What's It Like To Come Out To Your Parents In Indonesia

Indonesia is one of the least tolerant nations in the world when it comes to homosexuality. Coming out doesn't turn into a celebration of freedom for most people. Parents have been known to financially cut off their children or send them to an Islamic gay 'therapy' program.

It's difficult for someone to tell their parents that he or she is a part of a community that is considered a threat to the nation by Indonesia's Defense Minister Ryamizard Ryacudu. Bandung mayor Ridwan Kamil has doubled down by saying that gay people shouldn't publicly assert their rights.

Ghofar Ismail is a 24 year-old event manager who grew up in a working class family. Although he came out of the closet, he believes that decision is not for everyone. "You don't have to come out to your parents. What matters most is that we always embrace our sexuality. You know what's best for you and you know how your parents are like. Take your time to explore and learn about your sexuality before you come out to your parents," he said.

Ben*, a 25 year-old freelance writer, said that it's better to come out to your parents when you're financially independent and have established a support system outside of your family. "You know, just in case your parents cut you off," he said. "And when you come out, make sure you explain it in a way that would be easier for them to understand. They need to hear that it's not their faults you're gay."

Ghofar planned on telling his mother he was gay before he turned 30, but he ended up coming out when he was 20. One day his mom was hanging out with him in his bedroom, at one point she turned to him and asked if he's seeing anyone. "At that moment I felt the urge to come out. I told her, 'Mom, we need to talk.'"

Ben, unlike Ghofar, came from a middle class family, "I was joking around with a friend on Twitter, I replied to his tweet with a screenshot of my Grindr profile." Later that evening Ben received a call. "My mother called me and said, 'I saw your tweet and I know what Grindr is. I can Google stuff, too, you know,'" Ben recalled.

When Ghofar came out to his mom, they cried together and held hands. "I told her what I know about my sexuality in a way that my mother could understand, I told her that I don't like girls." He reassured her that he would always be her son and that his career would not be affected by his sexuality. His mother told him, "I have always been proud of you. Always try to be kind and make your father proud." That night, Ghofar and his mother shared the same bed.

After his mom told him what she found, Ben went to his parents house. He arrived in the afternoon, his father wasn't home, but his mom told him to go wait in his room. "I was terrified. I thought, how can I be so stupid to just put things like a Grindr screenshot on social media. I was scared of being banished from my family."

As he sat in in his room, doubts started to flood Ben's mind. "For a moment, I blamed myself. I thought, why can't I just be normal and do normal stuff like introduce my girlfriend to my parents, but I wanted to stand up for myself. I tried to understand how my mother felt at that time, if I were her I would be scared too."

Ben sat in his room nervously waiting for two hours before his mom finally walking in to speak with him. "It was a very intense conversation. We both cried. I'm lucky that my mother knew sexuality cannot be changed. She knew my sexuality was against her faith, she was sad that I would be going to hell," he said.

"it's important that we tell our parents in a way they understand. Avoid over-explaining things, just focus on the important things, like that homosexuality isn't a disease." Coming out wasn't a complete family affair, most of his family still don't know Ben is gay. "My mom understood that it's my right to come out, but asked me not to come out to the extended family or even my dad, because he's more conservative."

It took his mother a while to process what happened after Ben came out, but eventually she came around. "I point out when I see cute guy and she laughs. She would disagree with me if she thinks the guy is 'meh.' Now my mom even helps me whenever an extended family member asks, 'Why didn't you bring your girlfriend?' or 'When do you plan on getting married?' She would tell them that there are other things I need to do first. It's awesome."

However, sometimes Ben still feels guilty because her mother has to keep a secret from his father, "She has to keep a secret from her own husband, a secret about his own son."

Since coming out, Ghofar feels more comfortable with his parents. "I feel so much closer to my mom, now I know she loves me for all that I am. I tell her everything now, totally unfiltered. I'm very proud of her. I didn't tell my father, but he knows from my mom."

For many, coming out to your parents isn't just a one-time thing. "It's a never ending process. Sometimes you have to come out again and again. A friend of mine has come out seven times because her mother keeps forgetting that she's gay. I don't know, maybe her mother is in denial or she thinks it's just a phase that will pass," says Ben.

"In the end, it's not just about us. People think coming out is all about you, it's not. If the reason we come out is to maintain an honest relationship with our parents, then we must empathize and appreciate every step we take together."

*Name has been changed