Lead image by Alex ReyesMy name's Nick Gazin and I am VICE's art editor, but I also eat a lot of frozen food. This is a column where I discuss that. So that's how that works.This week's installment is dedicated to frozen pizza and frozen pizza-inspired foodstuffs. Most frozen pizza things I've tried have been terrible so far, but serves me right for being so lazy that I eat frozen pizza.I live in New York City, a pizza mecca. I can just yell, "Piiiiiiizzzzaaaaa!" out my back window and a few random slices will get tossed directly into my open mouth! Anyway here are reviews of the things I ate, although when I look at the photos now, I can't say for certain why I ate them.
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Bagel Bites Supreme
Krasdale's 9 Mini Pizza Bagels—Three Cheese
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Fuck you, Krasdale. Bagel Bites forever! And fuck River Donaghey for bringing cheap toilet paper to my home!GRADE: D
Totino's Pizza Rolls Combination
Celeste Pizza For One—Mushroom
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This didn't come out looking like I expected. For one, the cheese was orange and melted far beyond the perimeters of the pizza, and second, it was labeled as mushroom-flavored when it is clearly nightmare-style.When I picked up this lonely man's pizza, the crust was rigid like a frisbee. The cheese didn't feel right, and coated my teeth like a thick plaque, sticking in every crevice of my molars. The mouthfeel could only be described as "panic-inducing" and the cheese and sauce morphed together into one orange substance that looked like what you get when you add water to corn starch. This was more like eating a round matzoh with congealed chowder on it. I wouldn't eat it again for less than $50.GRADE: D
Jeno's by Totino's: Crisp 'n Tasty Pizza for One—Cheese
Amy's Snacks—Cheese Pizza
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