The Beauty of Hot but Short Relationships

In the song “Touch Me in the Morning,” Dianna Ross laments the painful but expected end of a relationship. “Hey, wasn't it me who said / That nothin’ good's gonna last forever? / And wasn’t it me who said / Let’s just be glad for the time together?” go the lyrics. 

A relationship is often deemed successful if it lasts long. Forever, for example. When a relationship ends, it’s easy to dismiss it as a failure on the part of the people involved to not “make it work.” But short, hot, fleeting relationships—over the course of a holiday overseas or a bar-to-club-to-someone’s-house weekend—are also relationships. These relationships might not last longer than a few months at best, but people can still be glad they happened. 

There are a few reasons people think relationships are only successful when they last. “In many cultures, the goal of a romantic relationship is marriage, and the longevity of a marriage is often seen as a sign of success,” relationship coach Benjamin Daly told VICE.

Some cultures push that even further. The Philippines, for example, is the only country in the world aside from Vatican City where divorce is still outlawed. That means the longevity of a marriage is not only a sign of success but a contractual obligation. A survey conducted in 2017, however, showed that 53 percent of Filipinos want divorce to be legalized in the country. 

Fairytales and pop culture also set and perpetuate the standard with the happily-ever-after ideal. Daly added that many people prioritize things like stability and security in relationships, which often come with time.

The caveat is that these things don’t necessarily come the more time you invest—not all long relationships are good, and not all good relationships are long. 

“I don’t think the success of a relationship is based on its duration, as there are many long, unhappy relationships,” said Daly. “Shorter relationships can still be a success if both partners are able to find happiness and experience a meaningful connection during their time together.”

This is no surprise to anybody who has navigated a vacation fling or weekend romance. Those relationships fulfil particular needs and desires, like companionship or excitement, while they exist. 

Because the relationships are shorter, people get to have more of them with different kinds of people in different kinds of settings. In the process, Daly said they can learn more about what they like in partners and relationships.

Another benefit of short relationships is that they often come with novelty or spontaneity. They’re also fairly low-pressure because they don’t come with the complexity of figuring out if the parties are compatible in the long term. 

Of course, a short time isn’t necessarily a good time. There are potential downfalls to even the shortest relationships. The biggest perhaps is the emotional risk.

“Even though short relationships are not intended to be long-term, people can still develop strong emotional connections that can be difficult to let go of when the relationship ends,” said Daly.

Short relationships aren’t always an easy fix either. Sometimes, they can just emphasize the gap the parties are trying to fill. 

“They lack depth. Because short relationships are often brief, they may not provide the same level of emotional intimacy and depth that longer relationships can offer,” Daly said.

When that happens, it’s important to stay objective and remember that a great short relationship doesn’t necessarily translate into a great, or even possible, long-term one. Enjoy the relationship for what it is and try not to become too emotionally invested. Otherwise, Daly said you may get hurt and stuck romanticizing something that’s simply not meant to be. 

Instead of evaluating relationships based on how long they last, Daly suggested evaluating relationships based on the quality of the experience. 

“Not all relationships are meant to last forever, and that's okay. Some relationships are meant to be short and serve a specific purpose in our lives. We can learn to appreciate these relationships for what they are and the value they bring, rather than dismissing them as cheap or insignificant.”

According to psychotherapist Todd S. Baratz, relationships shouldn’t be classified as either successes or failures anyway. 

He said that people need to start shifting away from a binary, success-or-failure evaluation of their relationships. Instead, they should start thinking about what they learn from their relationships and how that can improve their lives and even future connections. When people start seeing any and all relationships as learning experiences, the question of how long the relationships lasted becomes moot.

Short relationships can also be reparative, or to use more popular parlance, healing. “Someone can be really lonely and they can have a nice two weeks with somebody and that can feel wonderful, so that’s not something to dismiss or minimize,” Baratz said. 

Someone else can be stuck on a particular type of person, for example, and another person or relationship might come into their life just to jolt them out of that unproductive pattern. Think of someone who’s only been into “emotionally unavailable” people and suddenly meets someone who is emotionally available but lives far away. That person may not be their next long-term relationship, but they could at least show them that other types of relationships are possible. 

Baratz added that many people have difficulty ending relationships, and that having short-term relationships helps give them the experience of actually doing that. 

“Some relationships need to end, so they become shorter-term relationships, and it’s also really important to have the experience of ending a relationship,” said Baratz.

Seeing the value in short relationships can be particularly challenging when people approach all potential partners with the question of whether or not they can spend the rest of their lives together. That just imposes a lot of anxiety about heartbreak, said Baratz. Instead, people should be open to relationships of all kinds, so long as they learn something from them.

“All relationships are meaningful, whether they’re short-term, whether they’re long-term, whether they end, whether they go on forever,” said Baratz. 

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