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CDC Warns Against Drinking for Men of Bank-Robbing Age

Many men think they'll never want to rob a bank, but you turn 30 and BOOM! That robbery-clock starts ticking.
February 13, 2016, 5:00pm
Screengrab of 'Ocean's Eleven'

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently revised its guidelines concerning men and alcohol use. It recommends that men who are bank-robbing aged (approximately 14-74 years old) should refrain from consuming alcohol, unless they are currently in prison for robbing a bank.

Critics have called the new guidelines "condescending," and "completely insane." Many men think they'll never want to rob a bank, but you turn 30 and BOOM! That robbery-clock starts ticking. All your friends start robbing banks, criminals on TV seem really together and fulfilled, and you realize you'll never get a job with benefits because the boomers just won't fucking die off already.

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The CDC's intention was to make men aware of the damaging effects alcohol can have before they even realize they are, in fact, planning a bank heist.

Additionally, alcohol use is a factor in hundreds of thousands of unplanned bank robberies that occur every year and those capers can have serious complications if perpetrated under the influence of alcohol.

For instance, alcohol lowers your manual dexterity. Do you really want to be intoxicated while nimbly spinning the vault dial that stands between you and millions in gold krugerrands?

Studies show that even one glass of white wine a day can seriously impair your periphery vision while wearing a ski mask.

The CDC has several recommendations for what you can do to prevent your chances of an HWI: Heisting While Intoxicated.

  • Use the buddy system. Drinking with a friend means you are less likely to be preyed upon by a Danny Ocean-type character assembling a rogues gallery of thieves to pull off one last big job (WARNING: This advice does not work for Casey Affleck and Scott Caan).
  • Avoid wearing clothing that sends signals to others that you are planning to rob a bank. No striped shirts and bandit masks.
  • Plan your route home from the bar to avoid "bank-ier" parts of town. You know the ones.
  • Always keep your cell phone charged and on you. You never know when you'll need to call the authorities and alert them to a heist that's afoot.
  • When meeting someone in real life (also know as "irl") that you initially met online, be sure to pick a public space with lots of witnesses. But not a bank! I know that a bank is public and has witnesses, but it's just too slippery a slope.

Trust your instincts. If you feel like someone is pressuring you to be the Leg Man in their heist, or possibly even the Fall Guy, you're probably right. It's awkward to turn down a potential conspirator, but better safe than sorry.

The CDC says that by following their guidelines, the chances of a bank heist going off as planned increased by 67 percent. In a statement that followed the release of the guidelines, Director of the CDC Thomas R. Frieden, took a huge pull from a Cuban cigar and said, "I love it when a plan comes together."