It's that awful time of year again, when the Christmas marketing machine pummels you with the idea that the gifts you give are in direct proportion to the affection you have for your loved ones and your worth as a human being. If you are anything like me, the thought of purchasing presents for your family causes you so much anxiety you can't sleep at night. You franticly pace in and out of stores, sweating profusely as you try to figure out what Christmas tie—Santa or snowman—your senile grandfather would like to drool gravy on during Christmas dinner. You spend so many hours scrolling through internet stock that the wallets blend into the shoes and the pants look like shirts. Not to mention all the shitty gifts you've browsed online have been picked up by Google ads, so you see promotions for orthopedic slippers and fleece pajama sets on every fucking web page you visit. Eventually, you just give up and go to the bodega on Christmas Eve and buy $5 umbrellas and strawberry Nesquik for everyone, because fuck it.
Well, if you don't want to end up like that this year, let me make it easy for you with a few cool gifts ideas for the folks you love.
For the Non-Blood Relative Who Doesn't Really Need to Be in the Family Photo
You aren't exactly sure how you're actually related to this person, but you probably call them "uncle" or "auntie" something. Get them this bespoke bag to lug their Polaroid camera to the next family get-together in so they can snap pictures of mom after she's had too many L ime-aritas.
For the Older Brother Who Still Reminisces About His High School Glory Days
"Forgotten Franchises" Starter Jacket (buy at Ruvilla.com $100.00)
Do you have a brother who likes to bring up that game-winning touchdown pass from ten damn years ago? If you do, you should get him a Forgotten Franchises Starter Jacket. It mixes sports and 90s nostalgia, the only things that keep him from relapsing.
For the Friend Who Could Potentially Turn into a Cat Lady
Lovelife Dream Traditional Vibrator (buy at OhMiBod.com for $69.00)
Is your friend constantly complaining about how she can't find a man while simultaneously gazing longingly at feral cats who "just need a home and a momma to love them"? Get her this vibrator to bring her back to reality. You don't want her pets feeding on her decaying carcass in 20 years.
For the Sister Who Is Still Going Through Her Rebellious Stage
Fleet Ilya Classic Wrist Cuffs (buy at FleetIlya.com for $141.72)
Sometimes the end of high school doesn't mean the end of that "acting up" stage of life. Get these leather cuffs for your sister and let her know that you understand her struggle. It's not easy being the black sheep in the family.
For the Intellectual Boyfriend Who Brings Up Politics at the Dinner Table
Black Panther Jacket (buy at Kinshipshop.com $350)
This wool and leather varsity jacket will be the perfect conversation starter, and a great way to make sure your liquor-soaked relatives leave in an angry huff.
For the Girlfriend Who Likes Fashion but Still Shops at the Mall
Vashtie G-Shock (buy at GShock.com for $160.00)
You know how your homegirl is always talking about fashion but references Michael Kors and Coach? Get her this gold Vashtie x G-Shock watch, because it will completely blow her mind.
For the Dad Who Delays Christmas Dinner Because He Is Outside Smoking
G Slim Vaporizer (buy at GrencoScience.com $29.95)
You don't want to have that annual conversation about how smoking is bad for his breath, his teeth, and his long-term health… so just get him this G Slim vaporizer to make sure he doesn't freeze to death while sucking nicotine into his lungs outside.
For the Mom Who Never Splurges on Herself but Deserves Something Nice
Chiyome Wallet (buy at Chiyome.com $158)
You can never repay your mother for squeezing your baby body out of her vagina, but this fancy, handmade leather wallet is a nice way of saying, "Thanks for sacrificing your life for me, Merry Christmas!"
For the Antisocial Cousin Who Has Serial Killer Tendencies
Mansonic Socks (buy at MishkaNYC.com $22.00)
It's not that you want to encourage him by gifting him socks screen-printed with Manson's face—you just know he'll really like it. And isn't spreading joy what Christmas is all about?
For the Nephew Who Still Has Hope for the Future
Hands Up Don't Shoot Hoodie (buy at Amazon.com $24.99)
Protesters around the country have been seen wearing clothing with this powerful message. Get your nephew in on the movement with this hoodie and lead him in a direction for change.
For the Best Friend from High School Who Dropped Out of College and Smokes a Lot of Pot
24K Gold Rolling Papers (buy at ShopJeen.com $25.00)
I never know what to get this person, or why we feel obligated to do a gift exchange each year. Since you can't get him direction, goals, and a place of his own, maybe some fancy weed-smoking stuff will make him happy.
THE NEXT PHOTO IS OF A SHIRT WITH A BIG PENIS ON IT. DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU.
For the Gay BFF Who Likes Boners and Dresses Well
Mr. WizHard Penis Shirt (buy at Mr. Wizhard $86.67)
It takes a real man to wear a shirt with big erect schlong on it. The design was developed as a way to make images of the penis accepted and even revered—but hahahaha oh man there's a big ol' dick on it! If you know anyone with the balls to wear this, give it to them immediately.
For the Feminist Sister Who Needs a Distraction from Ignorant Family Members
Yes Please by Amy Poehler (buy at Amazon.com $14.50)
Sometimes alcohol doesn't offer enough of an escape during the holiday. Give your sister something to do when she is hiding from the "women belong in the home" conversation.
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