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News Of Zealand: Hail Lorde, Beating Kids At Cricket, And Media “Leaks”

This week New Zealand had an earth quake, fawned over Lorde, and humiliated some kids in cricked. Business as usual.
January 29, 2014, 11:36pm

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The Shaky Isles has had a tough time this month with yet another goddamn earthquake rattling the lower North Island. While the frequency of earth tremors in recent months has left the nerves of most in the region completely frazzled and scrambling under desks, the recent 6.3 quake didn’t upset the resolve of greyhound race commentator Mark Rosanoski, who called the entirety of Race 11 at Palmerston North, as the studio violently shook.  “The race is underway here, unfortunately the monitor's fallen on me, but I've managed to pick it up,” could be heard on the coverage, as an equally composed camera man managed to track the bulk of the race after an initial tumble sent the camera skyward. The race was officially abandoned shortly after, much to the dismay of one bloke with a trifecta on at the Putaruru Tavern TAB.

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Aside from New Zealand’s own Comic-Book-Guy-from-The-Simpsons, most of the country went bonkers over Lorde’s Grammy success, who became the first to do so without being immediately declared an honorary Australian. Short of declaring a national holiday, the Prime Minister and several MP’s in parliament jostled to shower praise on the 17-year-old singer, with Maori Party co-leader Te Ururoa Flavell admitting Beyonce "still does it for me" whilst claiming Lorde "is still right up there."

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Former professional cricketer Craig Findlay revisited some of the glory days of his first-class career, bludgeoning a whopping 307 off 115 balls—against the formidable force of a local High School.  The former Central Stags batsman and current CEO of Hawkes Bay Cricket smashed 27 sixes in his innings against a bowling attack consisting of 15 and 16-year-old schoolboys. With the game out of reach just 23 overs into the innings, St John’s College captain pleaded with Findlay to retire, to which he responded “I’ll think about it” before continuing on his path to an easy triple century, taking great delight in sledging the wannabe future black caps, we assume while shouting “Fuck your dreams, kids!!”

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A TV Journalist covering brought a new meaning to “Live Streaming” during Prime Minister John Key’s “State of the Nation” address,  when he darted off to the little boys room half-way through the speech, completely forgetting he was still mic’d up.  Luckily for TV3 reporter Patrick Gower and the audience at home, the broadcast was just a quick onesies, and very easily muffled by the verbal diarrhoea emanating from the Prime Minister a few cubicles over. Gower admitted the incident “could have been a lot worse” and noted “I've been involved in a lot of leaks in my time, but this is the first time it actually involved me taking one.”

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The term “Jandals” is as entrenched in the Kiwi vernacular as a chully bun at a puss up, so naturally there was a bluddy big outrage when a Hamilton-based footwear retailer was sent a cease-and-desist letter by the current owners of the trademarked ‘Jandals’, originally trademarked in 1963 as a portmanteau of “Japanese Sandal”. The company has since resorted to promoting their summer footwear simply as “Not-Jandals” via their website.  In a bizarre twist, Sandford Industries Ltd., the owners of the trademark, have been selling their own version of not-jandals under a different and potentially game-changing new name of “Jongs”. 

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In News of Sea-land, a New Zealand octopus has set a world record for the fastest jar opening by an eight-legged mollusc, cracking one open in less than 60 seconds to claim the delicious crab contents inside. In front of a large audience at the Island Bay Marine Education Ozzy the Octopus problem-solved the shit out of the jar opening exercise, clocking in at 54 seconds and blitzing the previous record of over a minute set a year ago by an octopus named Cassandra at the same venue. The validity of the record is dubious and definitely far from being anything near Guinness certified.

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And finally, a Taranaki trucking company that found themselves in a sticky situation has had to enforce a new company policy: No Wankers. A notice posted by the Wanganui branch of “Hooker Pacific” warned bored truckies not to blow their load on the road and that their trucks were, “not designed to handle excessive amounts of semen.” Truck manufacturers Kenworth are currently working on development of a new fap-friendly model to address the issue, tentatively branded as the Jer-Kenworth.

Follow Shane on Twitter: @doteyes