Records

M.O.P.

DJ Eleven and Spitkicker Present the Best of M.O.P.

Spitkicker

They used to be the dopest but they haven’t put out a good song in a while. Signing with 50 is suspect. They look like bozos on that roster next to Ma$e. But we’ll see. In the meantime their old-school hits are sureshots, and they are well mixed on this little number here.

SULLAFAH KAFE

BEST ALBUM OF THE MONTH

DAS OATH

WORST ALBUM OF THE MONTH

THE RAKES

BEST COVER OF THE MONTH

FLAMING LIPS

WORST COVER OF THE MONTH

PANSY DIVISION

Kanye West Presents GLC and A-Trak

Drive Slow

G.O.O.D.

A-Trak and Kanye-protégé rapper GLC collabed on this smooth, smooth fucking mix. You got Three 6 popping in and GLC with some verses that I like, and I am really bored with rap lately so that’s saying a lot.

MICK FINGERS

Kirb and Chris

Niggaz and White Girlz

Rapitalism

You know me and joke rap. I don’t usually fuck with it. That said, if you’ve got enough perseverance to milk a joke for the length of an entire album, I’ll give you daps. This is a thoroughly listenable concept record about two brothers trying to get with the devil (aka white chicks) over beats that strictly sample New Wave hits. I know what you’re thinking, homie—right now I’m even rereading myself like “Damn, I’m bigging up this shit?” But you know what? It’s actually funny. And the tracks are actually really fresh. And I actually like it. I don’t know what to say.

BUSTA NUT

V/A

Natural Selection

Nature Sounds

Nature Sounds went from being the place where washed-up New York rappers sought refuge to becoming your only go-to source for that hard-body shit. Plus, they got first dibs on the Ghostface/Doom album. Dayum. Now I could maybe do without R.A. the Rugged Man and some of the obscure Wu offshoots on here, but give me Pete Rock, Raekwon, Tragedy Khadafi, and Psycho Les and I’m good. Plus you absolutely have to hear Ghost’s Chinese imitation on the Doom track. You pay now!

YOUNG NIZZLE

Murs and 9th Wonder

8.5

Murray’s Revenge

Record Collection

A) I like the fact that this record only has ten songs. Bring back the 30-minute rap album! B) Is it me or are 9th Wonder’s beats on this better than on the last Little Brother joint? C) Bottom line: Ain’t nothing really wrong with this album.

WHOADIE ALLEN

Soul Position

7.5

Things Go Better With RJ and Al

Rhymesayers

Here’s another producer-and-MC combo, but this time around, RJD2 and Blueprint don’t come off the way Murs and 9th Wonder do. For one, I never thought I’d say this, but RJ’s tracks sound a little dated. And then homeboy goes on and on about how rap sucks. Bad approach. Murs is out there giving props to black goth girls, which is way more amusing. This is still a good record, but somehow things could’ve gone a little better.

SMUTTY RUFF

E-40

8.5

My Ghetto Report Card

BME/Reprise

First of all, please don’t chalk this one up to the hyphy bandwagon, cuz we done been sweating E-40-Water Fonzarelli and his accountant glasses since The Hall of Game. Let’s just hope this album gives the Yay presidente a well-deserved new relevance for the x-popping, dumb-going MTV kids out there. What you have here is an amusing collection of futuristic Rick Rock beats, sick-wid-it lyrics, and guest appearances from everyone who wishes Jesus Christ could’ve shaken his dreads. Highlights include the Too $hort and 8 Ball cameos, as well as “White Gurl,” featuring UGK and Juelz. Now learn how to say it: yadadadamean?

DAVID DASH

Ugly Duckling

Bang for the Buck

Fat Beats

Man, what is this, the month of the backpacks? Just when you thought we were going to get all Chamillionaire on your ass, huh? Well, guess what? The buck stops here. I got nothing but respect for these dudes, but there’s something about a white version of Jurassic 5 that irks me a bit. I was skipping around and I even fell upon the line “wear your flip-flops and your cut-off jeans.” Now I know there’s a huge audience for this sort of thing (it also took me five years to get Atmosphere), so if you’re into your wholesome feel-good party rap, this is for you. I’m being nice here.

MACHO

Madlib

8.5

Beat Konducta: Vol 1-2—Movie Scenes

Stones Throw

You want 35 tracks of lo-fi Madlib instrumental madness? You want the funny Good Times-era skits, the God Body quotes, and the random scratches? You got it. I don’t even smoke reefer and I think this is insane.

BLAQUE PAK

Kid 606

Done with the Scene

Wichita

More white noise… thanks. I would rather twiddle my thumbs bloody or hum myself hoarse. Remember when you put out that skullfucking “action-packed” record with the insane Missy track where you made her go all “C-C-CCOPPPPYYY ME!” all glitched out? What happened since then? Did you overdose? Thanks for nothing.

FEMINEM

Acid Mothers Temple and the Cosmic Inferno

Starless and Bible Black Sabbath

Alien8

Sabbath worship at its best—and it’s been done very, very badly before. From the opening riff to the cover art, totally on point. The huge guitars and dual drummers (playing, as far as I can tell, pretty much the same exact shit just at different times) have led my roommate Drew to thrice burn toast while listening to it and once grab me by the throat while screaming, “Dude, do you understand what’s happening here?!?”

LAVWOW

Year Future

First World Fever

GSL

More so than Sonny Kay’s past bands, Year Future is a fine, fast, disgusting mess of all sorts of arcane and creepy stuff that’s been chewed, swallowed, and vomited up into a brand new sensory overload. This doesn’t “rock” and it isn’t “heavy” like normal music; it’s a collage of pants-shitting nightmares that lays eggs under your frontal lobes. Not exactly what most people look for in a band, but then again, most people are boring assholes who can’t tell the difference between Die Kreuzen and Death In June. Like, can you imagine?

DEATH SNOB

Insect Warfare

SixTwoFive

Eight songs in seven inches. One of them is called “Freebase Diarrhea” and sounds like this: GGGGGGGG RRRRRRRRRR UUUUUU RRRR. On the cover is a giant praying mantis destroying a few skyscrapers while helicopters try to kill it. What else do you need to know? At this point in the review you either already want this or you don’t.

ARTIE PHILIE

Mind Controls

S/T

Dirtnap

Starting the day with a song like “Death Cult Shootout” is like walking out of your front door and watching a fat guy get hit by a car, or going on a spending spree with someone else’s Amex, or getting a secret handjob from the girlfriend of a guy you hate. It gives you that feeling like, “I don’t give a shit what happens tomorrow… today I have everything I could possibly want.”

DR. DOUCHEBAG

Das Oath

Mini LP

Dim Mak

If hardcore circa 2006 is a rusty pile of garbage held together with bent nails, then we depend on bands like the Oath to keep steamrolling through the framework like it’s a speedbump on the way to Valhalla. Mini LP has no structure, pays no homage, and expresses no emotion beyond blind, shrieking rage that outstrips any need (or opportunity) for nuance. If you want a soundtrack for those days when everyone you see deserves a vicious bludgeoning, put this on, get psyched, and grab a brick.

DOG ERECTION

Sick of Talk

7"

Chainsaw Safety

Infest-worshipping teenage hardcore kids with lyrics like, “I’m so sick of this shit/ Fucking retards in the pit/ Kids at shows getting hurt / Cause you act like a fucking jerk/ This isn’t a karate class/ If it was, you wouldn’t pass!” They play at mach ten and sound like a parking lot full of exploding garbage trucks. I can’t find one thing wrong with this record.

TURD LEO

Witch

S/T

Tee Pee Records

I remember the first time I got really stoned and just rocked the fuck out to something. I’m not going to say who it was right now because it will ruin the moment, but it was truly a life-changing event. It was sweaty and packed and smelled bad and was hot… and there was a girl there I had a crush on and she had dreads! My little neck muscles were sore for days! I bet this band will give some kids that same experience. I mean, it’s J Mascis shredding and a tough girl singing all growly. And then in the picture of them, their long hair completely covers their faces. That’s… awesome.

MARKY MARK CHAPMAN

The Eagles of Death Metal

Death By Sexy

Downtown

This band is supposed to sound like a cross between the Eagles and death metal, but I feel that it sounds more like a cross between “heh heh” and “stoops.”

JED

Pretty Girls Make Graves

Elan Vital

Matador

All the shit your girlfriend gives you about your friends—all the “that jerkoff is gonna rub off on you some day”-type crap—is confirmed by this record. I actually liked some of the earlier PGMG material and looked forward to my 13-year-old sister picking this album up instead of something like Hot Hot Heat. But apparently touring with the likes of Death Cab, Blood Brothers, and a handful of other shitty bands has rubbed off. Ah, peer pressure. Shoulda paid more attention to the Fav in Australia, dudes.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY

Theo and the Skyscrapers

S/T

Morpheus Records

This sounds like the Lunachicks all Blondie-d up, which is fine, but I prefer my Theo a bit more ugly and crass. Alas, it’s not 1994 anymore, so whatevs.

SGT. SNUGGLES

Built to Spill

You in Reverse

Warner Brothers

You know how skaters are really hot but never have girlfriends because they are so fucking boring? Well, that’s kinda how Built to Spill is. Good looking, good cred, but wow, so boring. Do people still listen to them? Are skaters still hot? I guess we’ll never know. They both get a big Who Fucking Cares in my book. (“Carry the Zero” is still the jam, though.)

TREASURER TICKLES

Band of Horses

Everything All the Time

Sub Pop

I actually surprised myself by enjoying these ten tracks by the former Carissa’s Wierd dorks. Other times I surprise myself: Getting to work on time, saying “No thanks, I’ve had enough,” cordially dealing with customer service reps, matching.

BRAD AND RANDY

The Seconds

Kratitude

5RC

I have a new system. My 12-year-old cousin James is in a band with some of his friends from middle school. They have a myspace account with some songs that are vaguely listenable, which reinforces my belief that songwriting can’t be all that hard. James is my new bullshit detector. I send him an mp3 of every band I have to review. James on the Seconds: “Really?”

TACO TOE

The Rakes

Capture/Release

V2

This sounds like a “band.” One guy has an English accent. I listened to this for about 15 minutes and tried to think of something interesting to say about it. Then I stopped.

SPAZZY CRAPCAKES

Pansy Division

The Essential Pansy Division

Alternative Tentacles

In the words of a very wise Weasel, “For a bunch of faggots, Pansy Division sure don’t have any balls.” You said it, pal… Wait, these guys are gay?

U R KIDDING

Islands

Return to the Sea

Rough Trade

This is sunny new stuff by two of the guys from the Unicorns and some other guys also. As with their previous music, you can totally replace the lyrics for any of the songs with cat meows without diminishing their overall effect at all, which in my book has always been and will forever be the litmus test of truly good music (honestly).

TOMHARD LANKIN

Loose Fur

Born Again in the USA

Drag City

In my experience, if you like one thing on Drag City, you like them all. This band is Jim O’Rourke and Jeff Tweedy. If that information does nothing for you then OK, never mind, but know that the hole inside you will never be filled.

CL SMOOTH

V/A

Monster Ballads

Razor & Tie

All the songs are fucking great. Not even on some irony shit. These are perfect pop songs from Damn Yankees, Mr. Big, Skid Row, Firehouse, Slaughter, et al. I gave it a zero because you probably think it’s ironic and, like, fuck that.

BACKSTABBING BUDDIES

Pentagram

First Daze Here Too

Relapse

Maybe someone else should be reviewing this. They have some good riffs and shit but the guy sings like a fucking stand-up comedian. They don’t sound badass either. They sound like guys who play their little guitars in a little garage and never got famous.

JERRY MCPHEERSON

Place of Skulls

The Black Is Never Far

Exile on Mainstream Records

I’m supposed to give a massive shit about this because they are doom legends or whatever-the-fuck, but fuck it. This sounds like a second-rate grunge band that opened for Alice in Chains at the Trocadero in Philadelphia circa 1992. It sucks.

JERRY MCPHEERSON

Morrissey

Ringleader of the Tormentors

Attack/Sanctuary

This is like Maladjusted or Southpaw Grammar. Only the fans will get it, and everyone else is gonna hate it. There’s no real hits. It’s weird. There’s a children’s choir and some really cheesy shit, like in “Dear God Please Help Me,” Morrissey refers to his balls as “explosive kegs between my legs.” WTF??? “Life Is a Pigsty” is the best song. Morrissey is so good at putting disgusting words together and making something beautiful out of them. The second-best song is “To Me You Are a Work of Art.” It’s a really beautiful love song. It’s almost like an oldies jam. I can’t wait to see him play that one live. I’ll probably cry.

A KID I ASKED AT SMITHS NIGHT

The Essex Green

Cannibal Sea

Merge

So if these guys were ultra 60s back in 1997 and are just hitting early 90s Sundays now, that should put them at contemporary at… let’s see here… about halfway through 2010. Now let me just set my care alarm and we’ll be good to go.

LEROY GUMPTION

Caroline

Murmurs

Temporary Residence, Ltd.

I often wonder if there will be that “one” CD that will push me over the edge, cause me to snap, go murderously berserk, run through my building with a rifle blasting the heads off neighbors, stab old people, stomp on puppies, and jump into a car, speeding it into a building full of children, all of us burning in an apocalyptic blaze as everything goes black. This CD by Caroline, which has gorgeous vocals and sparse, delicate instrumentation, won’t be the one to do that. Because it’s too boring.

NELLA KRAM

Kimya Dawson

Remember That I Love You

K

Kimya’s songs are getting more and more childlike. She’s like one bunny hair away from becoming a punk rock Raffi. I imagine her target audience to be those weird, messy little kids, the kind with eye patches and leg-braces and chocolate ice cream permanently smeared around the corners of their mouths. Aw, I just gave myself sad-but-cute chills.

MEG SNEED

Casiotone for the Painfully Alone

Etiquette

Tomlab

I have never been in a real fight. I’ve been beat up before, but never really fought anyone. I almost got jumped last week by two guys and it scared the shit out of me. They threw a beer bottle at me as I rode by them on my bike. I ducked and it whizzed past my ear. For some reason I stopped, as if I was gonna stand up to these two big drunk thugs. But as soon as one of them started coming at me, I jumped on my bike and rode off, thinking about how badly I could have just been maimed. Anyway, thank god there is pussy-ass music like this to make me feel the tiniest bit tough, regardless.

CHUCK DANDRUFF

Television Personalities

My Dark Places

Domino

It’s been a while for Dan Treacy. Fortunately he’s back with a new album written during time spent on a prison boat (huh?) for burglarizing a bandmate’s apartment. Sobriety and lockdown sure do entice a fallen man to write some rather disturbing songs about crack and ex-girlfriends, don’t they? I guess been-there, done-that doesn’t mean you won’t go there, do that again.

MI

Mogwai

Mr. Beast

Matador

Pretty songs about nothing, really. The type of music that makes you feel and not think, which is nice, because thinking is bad. It really is. This would be the perfect soundtrack for a home video shot in slow motion disguised as an art film, the kind that you watch with your grad school friends but secretly fall asleep to when they dim the lights.

MI

Destroyer

Destroyer’s Rubies

Merge

People that are always saying, “There’s no good music coming out these days,” should listen to this. But then again, you people don’t like anything because (and this is obvious to everyone else) you are threatened by the challenge of appreciating anything new. Yeah, maybe this is “trendy” and written about in The Fader. Whatevs. Fact: This is going to be a classic some day. And then, when you start liking it in about 15 years, please, please kill yourself. You’ve been making your friends and loved ones feel uncomfortable for too long. What? No seriously, you’re that COOL? End it.

GREAT SCOTT

Mates of State

Bringing It Back

Barsuk

Couples in relationships this healthy hurt my feelings. They’re singing and they’re happy and they’re married. Meanwhile I can barely look at my girlfriend without offending her. They probably fart in front of each other and don’t even mind and that’s not normal.

CL SMOOTH

Neko Case

7.5

Fox Confessor Brings the Flood

Anti

Neko Case is the wet dream of every 30+ heterosexual indie rocker (such as myself). It’s that enormous, bold and beautiful voice, coming on like Loretta Lynn with balls and a mind, combined with great melodies and classic country heartbreak. She’s the only good thing about the New Pornographers, really. One point deduction for the faux Marcel Dzama cover art though. (Redeemed slightly by Neko’s own images in the booklet.)

CRYSTAL GORDON

Samara Lubelski

Spectacular of Passages

The Social Registry

Does Social Reg ever disappoint? Samara has a wonderfully pretty, breathy voice and great accompaniment by tons of local New York folks playing flute, trumpet, etc. It’s a sweet combo of 60s introspective wistfulness and admirable early 90s New Zealand taste. I hate to say it, but this is why herbal tea, cats, and pot were really invented. In short, if you’re going there, it’s fantastic.

CRYSTAL GORDON

Rose Melberg

Cast Away the Clouds

Double Agent

Rose Melberg still has the same girly voice that sounds like an angel or a ten-year-old. Being a former riot grrl, I am not too ashamed to say that this album is soothing to my ears. It’s like bathtub music—not punk and fun like Tiger Trap, but more like her second band, the Softies. Grad school students who are studying philosophy in Massachusetts will love it when they’re riding around in their Jeeps. Plus I bet her shits come out shaped like tulips and ballet slippers.

GUV’NER GIGGLES

The Black Heart Procession

The Spell

Touch & Go

OK, this is suitably morose, but what happened to the lumbering clank and the despairing-miner vibes? When Pinback split off from Three Mile Pilot and took all the cerebral high-tone bass stuff with them, I said good fucking riddance, and took solace in the fact that you guys were still there to carry the torch and make solid rickety cabin music for hermits and other grizzled types. Maybe this is supposed to be a hint that it’s time for us to move on with our lives, to head back down the mountain and rejoin normal society, but honestly I don’t know if I’m ready for banks and regular shaving and Wilco’s whole despairing-guy-who-works-at-a-bookstore vibe.

ZEKE LAREDO

Aki Tsuyuko

Hokane

Thrill Jockey

Apparently these are songs based on kid’s stories, but it sounds like a soundtrack to a really creepy 70s horror movie to me. Or maybe like that scene from Sybil where the crazy mom locks Sybil in that coffinlike crate and all she can do is draw with the purple crayon using her bound hands. That scene was so sad! Oh great… now I’m creeped out AND sobbing! Thanks, Aki Tsuyuko. You must be dynamite at parties.

NELLA KRAM

Flaming Lips

At War With the Mystics

Warner Brothers

A little too They Might Be Giants in the cringe factor. I can’t even begin to imagine the technical terms I would need to make a joke about the level of nerd that loves this band—and I’m somewhat of a nerd myself. Their fanbase is way beyond taped-up glasses. The nerds at Flaming Lips shows are so nerd that they’ve come full circle and become jocks. They are horn-throwing, mud-sliding, tit-showing, bad-dancing JERDS (you heard that here first), and they just dropped that hit of acid they were saving in mom’s freezer for two years just for this and are FEELING IT! Put that chocolate syrup on your face, Coyne! That shit looks FUCKED-UP!!

BUM EQUIPMENT RENTAL

Michael Prime

One Hour as Peyote

Mycophile

“All sounds derived from bioelectrical recordings of Lophophora williamsii (peyote).” Michael Prime amplifies the voltage produced by peyote’s natural electrical field—much like Kirlian photography reveals the fluctuating auras of plant life—and feeds the results into battery-powered oscillators that reflect the changing physical condition of the plant. Apparently, peyote experiences last upwards of 12 hours. This one is gurgly, organic and purring, and takes up only one-twelfth of a trip. Also included with the music: A baggie with pieces of surprisingly fragrant Andean peyote, on which one meditates while listening to the record. I think I just came a little in my mouth.

DAVID COTNER

Wilderness

Vessel States

Jagjaguwar

Ha! Good one, Jagjaguwar. Putting all the songs on the CD at half speed so you have to buy the vinyl version and play it at 45 rpm for them not to sound like plodding, bombastic ego-wrecks. Classic. I don’t use the term “new-level shit” very often, but, well, there you have it.

BOBBY DUNCH

Sonic Youth

S/T (reissue)

Geffen

Honestly, I dig Sonic Youth. The cheesy idealist in me really gets a warm fuzzy from the fact that they still create new material and support new bands and artists, etc. Plus the SY catalog circa 1984 to 1994 is pretty much unfuckwithable. This record, however, is too ponderous for casual listening. If my iPod is on shuffle and one of these tracks comes up there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll just skip it. I’ll never delete it though, because secretly I’d feel like I was betraying the band. I’m such a fucking dork.

FUCKING DORK

Jessica Delfino

Dirty Folk Rock

Self-released

Jessica Delfino is a delightful young lady who likes to sing whimsical songs about her vag. She’s sassy! She sent me a cute drawing of a tampon, a bleeding vagina, and a rainbow. See, bands? A little effort’s all I ask. But then I went to her blog to check her out and saw that her boyfriend is this really weird dude who used to bombard me with half-amusing, half-disturbing, elaborate, and very long emails when I was a music reviewer years ago at another magazine. Well, I guess he musta done quite a bit of that sort of thing, cuz now he’s in jail for aggravated harassment! I mean, yeah, he was annoying and obnoxious, but if they put every annoying and obnoxious person in jail, who would write comments on the Vice messageboards?

AMY K

The Red Krayola

Introduction

Drag City

I think someone’s been screwing with the balance knob on old Mayo Thompson here, cause while the music seems to have drifted into the smooth jazz side of normal, the vocals sound like he’s finally resorted to just reading pieces of paper he picked up off the ground near a middle school. Is it too much to ask for a little consistency with our crazy?

CANTANK R. ANDY

Sun City Girls

Static From the Outside Set

Abduction Records

Anything by these guys will get a 10 in these pages. This installment of the “Carnival Folklore Resurrection” series is a creepy trip up and down the radio dial if the radio were populated by scary ghouls and musical geniuses. Listening to this makes you feel like you live on a different planet—A BETTER ONE!

JOHN LITTLE

Ciccone Youth

Whitey Album

Geffen Records

Weren’t Sonic Youth just too fucking cool for school at one high-water point in the 80s? This is them just cooling it up all over cool shit that has something to do with Madonna and the Beatles’ White Album. Covers of “Burnin’ Up” and “Addicted to Love” are highlights, but the real gem is Thurston’s sex-kitten take on “Into the Groove.”

JUNE SPRIG

Uncle Jim

Superstars of Greenwich Meantime

Abduction Records

And here we have spoken-word from one third of the Sun City Girls. All of their output is at least two of three things: Funny, scary, and beautiful. This one is the first two. It’s the best stand-up I’ve heard all year.

LITTLE JOHN

V/A

African Rebel Music: Roots, Reggae and Dancehall

Out Here Rec

You have to be in the mood for a cultural-anthro release like this, but when you are, this one will do. I don’t know. It just feels like no big whup.

ANGEL NELFI

Joey Semz

A Great Believer

aNYthing Records

He looks like a tough guy but then sings these troubadour songs that are smart and funny. This is very good shit. Sensitive thug much?

WINSOME PRUITT

Sparks

Hello Young Lovers

In the Red

Far back as I can remember, the Mael brothers’ music has always made me profoundly uncomfortable. Not “Ooh this is too noisy” or “What’s up with this falsetto?” mind you—I’m talking “Please let me out of this room before I start sputtering nonsense and inadvertently punch somebody.” For years I had no clue what was up, but with this latest guy I think I’ve finally pegged down what’s been tweaking me out. This is exactly the music I nervously come up with when I’m late for something important and absolutely cannot find parking. The arbitrary tempo changes, the needling anxiety, the retarded subject matter? Check, check, and check.

HORACE FEELEY

V/A

And to the Disciples That Remain

Amish Records

Killer comp from a killer freaker label. Exclusives from P.G. Six, Oakley Hall, Samara Lubelski, Helen Rush, and more. If you know those names then you can smell what the Rock is cookin’ and shit.

JUNE SPRIG

Fise

N.W.A. Straight Outta Compton, Explicit Contents Only

Self-released

HA HA HA. It’s the whole Straight Outta Compton record, but ONLY the curses. That’s it! The whole record takes about five minutes to listen to and it’s just a sound collage of: “Bitch! Motherfucker! Pussy-ass bitch! Nigga! Bitch bitch ho!” GENIUS!

JOE BLOW

Growing

Color Wheel

Megablade Records

There are a thousand bands now that run around going, “We’re experimental,” and then farting all over the place. Then there are bands that are truly experimenting with form, sound, and mood, and still having some fucking musicality about it all. Growing is one such band. This is a killer record of drones and melodies that I don’t have any idea how the fuck they made them. It’s got real artistry. They are fucking sick live too, I tells ya.

DARBY GINN