Your O Week Guide to Picking Up While Living at Home

What if you were reading this article… in an email? Sign up to the VICE Australia newsletter This is not a guide on how to pick up. The internet is already jam-packed with those things. Here's what my editor sent me to find out: How can you make sure living at home during uni doesn't get in the way of finding true love and/or having a good night. The call for hot tips was generally met with the same response, "I'm the worst person to ask, I never picked up when I was at uni." But there was at least a handful of people who got laid during their tertiary years while living at home.

According to science, a lot of Australians under 30 are part of the Boomerang Generation, coming back to live with their parents at some point during their 20s. It's so expensive to live in Sydney, Melbourne (and increasingly Brisbane and Perth) that few people can afford to pay rent while studying. The Australian Bureau of Statistics estimates more than half of people aged 18-24 years have never moved out. So that's the first thing to remember if you're at uni and still living at home: You're not alone.

Not alone, but still at a disadvantage when it comes to picking up. Perhaps no response to the question, "Where do you live?" can kill the mood faster than "With my parents." But this is your life. Don't let a thing like having to sneak a prospective partner past your parents watching Law & Order: SVU get you down.

Have a Strategy for Not Going to Your Place

Almost everyone I talked to had one big piece of advice: Be strategic with who you are flirting with. Sure attraction is important but also consider things like, where are you going to meet people? Uni bars are just crawling with other students who live at home. Try a backpacker bar instead. If you can deal with the whole dorm room thing, it's possibly less awkward than sneaking past dad. Plus they are some of the few remaining places where it's acceptable to order drinks like "cum shots," which are actually delicious. Otherwise there are always Over 28s nights, where the likelihood you'll find someone who's moved out of home is (hopefully) slightly higher.

"Preparation is key," one graduate advises. "Carry a backpack full of clothes with you everywhere you go. Then it'll just be easier to go to their place."

Uni camps also tend to be open slather. It's just like school camp except everyone is (technically) an adult and there are copious amounts of alcohol. Instead of being supervised by well-meaning teachers, the people in charge are just other bored students who are only interesting in making you do humiliating "bonding activities." (Topless wheelbarrow races anyone?) It's an environment designed to help awkward first years pick up.

Here's the definitive ranking of uni camps by likelihood of having sex with another person: Arts (sheer numbers), Science, Performing Arts, Commerce/Business (excluding economics), Christian Students' Union, Law, Engineering, Music, Fine Arts, Journalism, Economics.

You've Got to Set the Tone for the Evening

If there's one thing we can all learn from smarmy pick up artists it's this: Confidence is everything. Living at home is fine as long as you're good at making up excuses on the fly. "Put off mentioning you live at home as long as you can," a final-year graphic design student says. "If you make it to the pointy end of the night just tell them you're staying in an Airbnb." Honesty is always an option too: Insist your parents are really chill. "They are basically my roommates."

"Tell them your mum's 4WD is actually yours," advises a first-year medical student. "Pretend you are a crust punk squatter," says another. "Even though you are a private school boy/girl with a swimming pool and a tennis court at your loving parents' home."

The other angle is working your parents' sympathies. As one student who lived at home through all six years of a three-year Arts degree advises: "Make out as if you've got no hope of ever finding someone. Build it up and up, and then your parents will be begging for you to bring someone home."

Location is Key, Know Your Emergency Exits

So you've found someone you are happy to get naked with, and they are happy to get naked with you too. Great work. This is a very important step. The next step is being cool with compromise.

A lot of people said passing off outdoor sex as "adventure" worked wonders for them. "Get creative about locations," said one social work student. "Golf courses make for fun night time adventures and turns in the sand trap." Another offers: "Furniture left out in hard rubbish isn't garbage, it's an opportunity."

"Going on exchange was a big one for me. At my uni you could go for up to a year," one graduate said. "I was living in mixed halls with students from all over the world. It doesn't really count for your grades, so most people just spend the whole time partying and hanging out."

Back at home, everyone's main priority was avoiding that late night, or early morning run in with the parents. All those ways you worked out how to sneak out of your house during high school? It's time to reverse engineer them as ways to sneak in without alerting anyone.

"If there's a granny flat at your parent's place, you're golden," says one film graduate. "That or tell your parents you're launching the next Apple and need to move into the garage." Of course if you're living at home, the morning after will always pose the risk of an inevitable family run in. Worst case scenario: "Make sure you know how to cook a good breakfast. It helps with the awkwardness."

So there you go, at least 15 rock solid ways to strike a balance between not paying rent and getting laid like you could. Of course, if you aren't going to move out the most important thing to do is decide that university isn't just going to be a continuation of high school. Be independent, be an adult, but don't be too proud to have sex on a golf course.

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