A Guide to Being an Average Student by a Perfectly Average Student

Take it from me, I owe $45,000 to the government and I tell jokes for a job.
September 8, 2017, 12:00pm

Hey there next generation. Welcome to school. I imagine you are stressed and freaked out but don't be. Being a perfectly average student is easy and takes only an average amount of effort. Take it from me. I have a degree in cultural studies and history and also took one year of a comedy program before dropping out because I wanted to have as much student debt as possible with the tiniest possibility of forming a plan to pay it back ($45,000 and…uh…get famous) so I know a little something about thriving in an academic scenario.


I wasn't the best student. I spent most of my time procrastinating, hanging out with friends, and attempting to passively end a long-term co-dependent relationship with a psychology student who misdiagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. Yet I still walked out of school with 78.5 average, which is totally fine and not embarrassing, and you can too if you follow these helpful tips.

Sleep Is For the Weak and For Class

Between having fun and trying to do your reading at the last possible moment, you're not going to get a lot of sleep. That's fine, save it for class. A cool move I figured out is when you fall asleep and then get startled awake by your head drooping, act like you were just struck by inspiration.

Sex Is Also For the Weak

The ultimate distraction. Sex. Don't do it. It's gross and bad and leads only to trouble. Instead hold onto the furious horniness raging through your fragile body aching for release and channel it into a truly sexy thesis statement. And if you do have to have sex, make sure you do it in the library so that even in the throes of passion you can be taking in #knowledge.

Buy Your Books Used

Not only is it way cheaper but it's fun to judge what the previous owner underlined or highlighted, "I cannot believe what this guy underlined in Notes From Underground. Take this shit to a business class you dumb motherfucker."

Beer Cans Can Be A Substantial Source Of Income

You're going to drink too much. But hang onto the cans and double bag that shit and every chug of James Ready 5.5 isn't just a good time but also an investment in your future.


Do All Your Final Papers and Project In A Week-Long Binge That Nearly Destroys You

You will know people that don't do this. They will have worked on their multitude of year-end papers and projects for months before they are due, handing them in on time and stress free. These cowards are missing out on the iconic university experience. A one- to two-week binge of end-of-the-year all-nighters spent hastily jamming together a mess of half-formed statements and misappropriated quotes into a paper that your teacher will critique as, "Promising but needs a lot of work," which you'll be fine with because the peyote like aftereffects of all those sleepless nights will leave you completely alienated from your past self.

Keep Track of All The Imaginary Illnesses You Place on Family Members

Catalogue all the imaginary medical calamities you foster onto your dear grandfather in order to extend a deadline for your paper. If you're not careful you'll end up trapped in a web of lies about how inspiring it is to be descended from a historic medical marvel who survived getting cancer in all his limbs and face.


Footnotes are important and should be used regularly.

Get To Know Your Prof

If you're not going to give one hundred percent, you're going to want your prof to like you. I sailed through one course after we bonded over a mutual liking of The National, back when being into that band was cool and not what dads put on their record players to escape their family.

Didn't Do The Reading For Class? Talk More In Seminar Not Less

Arriving at a seminar without any of the reading done? Don't cower silently, revealing the shoddy student you are. Go on the aggressive and answer every question asked. Either you're going to get some of them right or you're going to be so wrong you'll stop being called on because it's both disruptive to the learning and an embarrassing blight on the prof's credentials as a competent educator.


Don't Know An Answer? Remember the Old Guy In Class Is Always Wrong

Another option if you're in class and have no idea what's going on is to pay attention to what the one old dude there is saying. I'm talking about the man who comes to dressed like he's about to go duck hunting and sounds like he's spent 20 years embarrassing his kids. Listen to what he says because he will talk a lot and invariably his answers will be incorrect and you just have to say the opposite of whatever retrograde thought falls out of his mouth.

The Less Well Written Your Notes, the Less You Have to Study For Your Exam

When exam season rolls around you are going to be so stressed about how much to study. Some people are going to study a ton, some are just going to wing it—and it can be hard to tell where you align on that spectrum. Save yourself some existential angst by doing what I did, keep notes that are so messy and unorganized they look like I was planning to assassinate a president. Then when you finally try to study, you'll look at them for half an hour before throwing your hands in the air and say, "Fuck it, I guess I know all the things I'm going to know. Let's get this over with."

Have Fun

Just have fun because you're not going to remember anything you learn anyways.

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