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Lance Armstrong, Steroids, and Why I’d Become a Vampire

One thing I never understood is why anyone wouldn’t want to be bitten by a vampire. It’s like, what the fuck? Are you kidding me? I’d become a vampire in a heartbeat.

This thing with Lance Armstrong has been going on for years now, and what’s ridiculous is that there still isn’t enough evidence to convict him. Feds dropped the case against him in the winter. It’s like both sides were waiting for it to go away, and I guess Lance decided to concede and stop fighting it—maybe because it was costing him money in court proceedings. Who knows.

It looks like they’re going to strip him of everything—all of his medals and awards—and to me it’s positively ridiculous. He’s the best in the world. Everyone thinks this, even the uptight French officials who are trying to discredit him. And the most offensive part is that the guy has not only done everything an athlete could do for his sport, he’s also done a lot for society as a whole by raising millions of dollars to fight cancer. Just leave the guy alone and let him be the best there ever was or will be.


I’ve said this before and I’ll say it a million times if I have to: Steroids and other supplements don’t make you a super athlete. I have proof: my identical twin brother, Ozzie. Genetically, he’s the same as me—or at least closer than anyone could be. He used the same type of steroids I used and in equal amounts, and we followed the same workout routine and diet. So why was he just an average player? Why didn’t he have success in the major leagues? Why didn’t he hit 42 home runs and become a superstar? I think it’s so hypocritical when athletes are found to be using steroids, the media frames it like they’d be nothing without the juice.

Most people have no idea what accomplishments like Lance’s require: the hours of training, the dedication, the mindset, and the psychology behind being the best. For some board of flabby officials to strip him of all of his awards is just crazy. It makes you think: If we, as a society and as a species, are constantly striving to become better, smarter, and live longer, then why are steroids so bad?

Liquor and tobacco will kill you, and of course they’re legal. But steroids, growth hormones, and enhancement chemicals that have the potential to help you live better and longer illegal just like cocaine and heroin. That needs to be changed soon if we want to continue to push the human body to its physical limits.

My bottom line, and I think most people’s bottom line if they really think about it, is this: If something enhances athletes’ performances, it also makes their sport better and more entertaining. And without the fans—who at the end of the day just want to be entertained—all sports are nothing. Fans deserve to see records being broken and human beings pushing themselves beyond their limits.


Regardless of steroids, what it comes down to is what kind of engine a player has inside. So if you start with a 500-horsepower engine, maybe you’ll get an extra 50 or 100 horsepower by using high-octane fuel. If you drink liquor, eat improperly, and use recreational drugs you’re engine is going to sputter and overheat easily. If you eat right, workout hard, and take the right amount of supplements and additives to maximize your engine’s performance then you’re going to tear ass down the highway, and in my opinion that’s exactly what professional athletes should be allowed to do.

Right now I’m doing TRT—testosterone replacement therapy. When men hit 40 their testosterone levels begin to decrease, which is evolution’s way of telling you that you’re starting to slowly die. I take it to keep my levels on par with what I had in my 20s and 30s. And the way I see it, if your body isn’t producing enough testosterone there’s no reason why you shouldn’t acquire it externally, through an injection. We’re pre-programmed to die; there’s a genetic computer chip inside of us that will dictate how long a life will be. Maybe we can hack that chip with the right additives, and instead of living to 80 or 90 it becomes possible for the average person to live till 100.

Nothing organic lives forever. It’s an impossibility. But, given the opportunity, I’d definitely want to live for hundreds of years. Who the hell wants to die? I’m a huge sci-fan fan, and I love vampire movies. One thing I never understood is why anyone wouldn’t want to be bitten by a vampire. It’s like, what the fuck? Are you kidding me? I’d become a vampire in a heartbeat. They’re immortal, they can fly, and they can time-travel… what’s so bad about wanting to become one? What’s the worst thing that can happen? You have to eat a few people now and then? That’s not so bad. The only downfall I can think of is that you’d outlive your children, but, of course, you’d do your best to make sure they became immortal vampires too.



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