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VICE Guide to Toronto

DOs and DON'Ts

Toronto is a great city to go irony partying. Look at this chief. He’s smiling because he’s not going to get beat up looking like this, he’s going to get laid.
March 21, 2001, 9:42pm

DOs

Like we said, when Toronto blew up the girls shot forward into futuristic raver punks and the guys regressed into hoserdom. That makes guys so much more fun to hang out with that the town runs the risk of becoming like the Middle East where it’s so bro-centric it’s basically a giant gay bar.

Of course, if you can find one of those eccentric nut-bar girls that barely watches TV you get the best of both worlds. These kind of girls drink beer from a pitcher and spend a long time near the jukebox.

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Another huge upside of Toronto girls is the diversity factor. Despite what David Duke says, race mixing is a recipe for babeness and nothing spells babe more than a Bavarian-Asian-Bosnian-Equadorian.

There used to be a lot of goth vampire types in Toronto and it got so common that this whole tough-guy slob contingent cropped up where they’re like, “Don’t be scared eh? I drink blood but I also drink two-fours. Let’s go.”

Because Canada used to be a British colony all the punks there are those flourescent-colored Wattie types with 30 different mohawks and a ton of shit on their coats. That’s way better than those boring American Dischord punks that are just basically bald jocks in Chucks.

The black dudes in Canada don’t proudly speak bastardized English or dress like sports-crazed toddlers. That’s why when Americans meet them in person after talking on the phone they’re all, “Oh, shit, um, I had no idea.” What? Is there a problem? “No, no, it’s just. Um, wow.”

See? Toronto is a great city to go irony partying. Look at this chief. He’s smiling because he’s not going to get beat up looking like this, he’s going to get laid.

Yeah, so a lot of girls there talk like they’re on reality TV and say things like “OK, now I’ve seen everything” and “I’ll have whatever drugs he’s on,” etc. So if you can find one that doesn’t talk like that hold on to her so tight she has bruises on her arm.

DON'Ts

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Goth is so entrenched in this town that it’s totally normal to see some Jimmy Kimmel computer programmer guy and his diminutive Jewish girlfriend walking down the streets wearing Gene Simmons shoes. Even the nerds are into Satan.

As you do in New York with the bridge-and-tunnel trash, every Friday and Saturday the city fills up with Paris Hilton Ginas from Woodbridge and their hideous combination of cock-starved slut and punk-rock cheerleader. Do they watch BET 24 hours a day?

And you think the lesbians in your town are PC? Let me put it this way: They have a dyke comedy festival here called “Observations not Judgements” that castrates every joke down to church-lady status until it’s so brutal it’s actually funny again.

The male-model metrosexual dude is the same as he is in every town only the Toronto one is so painfully out of touch it’s like talking to a really stupid person with a lobotomy. Don’t believe me? Two words: Velvet Revolver.

It’s one thing to be in Romania and dress terrible, because what are they going to do? They’re Romanian. But when it’s in a city half the size of New York you think you could do a little better than Arctic electro salsa diva.

Baby boomers in T.O. are way worse than other baby boomers because these ones are stinking-rich spoiled babies that get whatever they want and think of themselves as “Quite a character.” They’d even like to try E and “see what raving is all about” so if you see one run away bawling your eyes out.

This is what we were talking about when we said Toronto girls became this weird combination of raver and punk that makes San Francisco girls look like they’re from Milan. It’s like their lumberjack shirts instantly transformed into pink plastic motorcycle jackets overnight.

Even the homeless dudes will bust out the liquid paper and toss some stars onto their Salvation Army suit. I guess that’s a sign the economy is booming. When drunks on the street are wearing face paint you know the social system remains intact.