Once, I had this Classics teacher take a 40-minute lecture detour on “athletic olive oil”—which, yes please, but also… what? Apparently, she said, the ancient Greek Olympians doused their nakey selves in the stuff before competition, had their throwdowns in the buff, and, if they won, were rewarded towering amphoras of the finest EVOO in the land. They literally just looked like shiny golden gods, 24/7.
What a time to be alive. I still think about those slippery, shiny Greek athletes and their troughs of high quality oil. (Especially in this newfound era of minimalist, au naturale dewy skin.) Oils have been some of the greatest multitaskers of our time, whether they’re lubing our holes, moisturizing our legs, seasoning our cast iron skillets, or just being massaged into our body. They feed us vitamins, and give us the glow of a freshly blown bubble. So if you haven’t already, it’s time to give them a little more room on the bathroom—and bedside—shelves.
Wheeeere to begin though, man? What are the echelons of EVOO, or the body-safe, pourable massage candles that help you get kinky? How do we move past the crusty jar of Tiger Balm that’s been in our car since 2014? Well,put on a robe and follow moi as we navigate massage oils, from the most basic of starter bottles to some of the more luxurious blends for you and your pores.
Massage and bon voyage
Looking to start with the familiar? Seek a juicy fractionated coconut oil, which differs from the coconut oil in your pantry because it’s tasteless and odorless—although you can always go ahead and massage with classic coconut oil, too (if your pores can take it). But, we’re looking for bottles with sex appeal that turn their contents into a far more indulgent, ritualistic experience [swings incense] such as Wonder Valley’s hinoki oil (hinoki is a Japanese cypress that is said to induce relaxation simply by touching and smelling its wood), Aesop’s jojoba seed-based oil with touches of blood orange rind, and anything made with quality jojoba oil—it’s not only soothing, but it’s also a natural antioxidant, thanks to all that vitamin E.
Happy ending oils
You dirty dog. We all knew we’d end up here in the erotic massage oil section. Try basking in the glow of the massage oil candle by Maude, makers of some of the most display-worthy sex toys out there, or the similarly sexy candle by LELO, over the on the luxury Swedish vibrator end of things, who also makes a mean sensual massage oil.
Period pain massage oil
Cora saves my ass, by saving my spine, every month. Now, I’m no doc and I’m not trying to give you medical advice, but I can tell you what’s worked for me. I rub this duo of homeopathic massage sticks, which are packed with ginger, tea tree, clary sage, and other essential oils whose scent alone reduces my nausea. After a few minutes, they make me feel like tiny hot rocks are being massaged around my back by elves. It’s like having an invisible heating pad on your cooch zone and lower back, for hours.
This cult pube oil
Fur oil is our 1977-vibe, über sexsi, retired French Riviera porn star fantasy oil because it is designed to luxuriate your most intimate body hair. I gave it a test run myself to see if it lived up to the hype, and found that it’s not only an utter delight for your nether regions, but great on arms, armpits, and wherever body hair can be found. The blend of tea tree oil, jojoba oil, grapeseed, and clary seed oil helps soothe, hydrate, and prevent ingrown hairs—and all of it is bottled in a shiny glass orb worthy of an Ancient Olympian.
Just raid the pantry
Don’t be shy, Brad. Get in there! That bottle of EVOO in the kitchen is a great basic for massage work (however, oil-based lube erodes latex and silicone sex toys, so, that’s a no-no). Sunflower oil, avocado oil, and grapeseed oil will also work wonders, and have loads of vitamin A and E. In fact, if you take time to read the fine print on all those swankity-swank body/massage oil products, you’ll find they make up the base of a lot of them. But there’s just something so down-home granola good about lathering yourself in cooking oil like a hot corn on the cob. Hot tip: lay down a blanket beforehand so you don’t tarnish them hemp sheets.
See you on the slip and slide.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.