VICE Sports Premier League Player of the Weekend: Steven Naismith

This article originally appeared on VICE Sports UK.

Steven Naismith doesn't look like a footballer. He looks like a man you'd pay cash-in-hand for any number of jobs, like a Scottish version of Handy Manny that has one over on the taxman. Another thing Steven Naismith shouldn't be doing is scoring Premier League perfect hat-tricks against the reigning champions, but we live in a funny old word these days. Chelsea, victims to what we can only assume Naismith learnt to do playing for Kilmarnock and Rangers, had no answer for the vertically challenged Scot.

For his first goal, wee Stevie – that's probably what his friends and family call him – appeared unexpectedly, out of nowhere, a bit like Jeremy Corbyn in the Labour Leadership election. Unmarked in the six-yard box, he gleefully hammered in a header from point blank range and skipped away to celebrate, safe in the knowledge that he hadn't even been selected to start. Coming on in the 9th minute for the injured Muhamed Bešić, he'd scored less than 10 minutes later. Five minutes after that he was at it again, this time picking up the ball in space and hammering it left footed across the goalkeeper from range and in to the bottom corner.

What makes all this even better isn't that Naismith doesn't look like a footballer or that he wasn't even picked to start the match: it's that he was actually considering leaving the club on transfer deadline day. Norwich, apparently the team interested, would've been a sizeable step down, and Everton will be glad that they convinced him to stay. Even when Nemanja Matić momentarily forgot that he was having an appalling start to the season and assaulted the ball from fully 30-yards into the top corner, Naismith wasn't fazed, and went on to finish his perfect hat-trick in the second half.

His third, and apparently his favourite of the day – wrong, wee Stevie – was a more simple finish from close range, but that didn't stop him putting it in through the keeper's legs. Chelsea, a club with unlimited resources, half of the world's population (both alive and dead) out on loan and one of the best managers of the modern era at the helm were undone by a man who joined Everton on a free because his last club had just been liquidated. He's done it before, too: this time two years ago he scored the only goal in a 1-0 win over Chelsea. In fact, according to the type of people that do this sort of thing, 33% of Naismith's goals in the Premier League have come against the West London club. They must be sick of the sight of him by now, like the rest of us are with Keith Lemon.

However, having dashed off his career highlight hat-trick in under 500 words, the real reason Steven Naismith deserves celebrating is his work off the field. The man works actively with finding injured ex-servicemen work, is an ambassador for Dyslexia Scotland (Naismith suffers from dyslexia himself) and is also known to donate his allocated match tickets – which are likely to come out of his wages – to local unemployment centres, for those who can't afford to attend out of their own pocket.

In a world where the best footballer on the planet can't pay his taxes properly, Steven Naismith is essentially Ghandi and Mother Theresa reincarnate. Likely someone The Lad Bible will feature in a hastily written 80-word piece about how much of a #TopLad he is for helping out the #PoorLads, but don't let that deter you.

Funnily enough, today is his 29th birthday and, given what we know about him, he's likely shaking hands with ebola sufferers without gloves on and walking through land mine riddled fields in Angola, such is his wont. Chelsea meanwhile have compounded their current lack of form on the field with some mistakes off it, too. Probably a good idea at the time – and almost definitely planned weeks in advance of the emailed promotion taking place –fans of the club today received word of a "hat-trick of offers!" in their inboxes, and have naturally reacted with complete and utter fury.

As we've said previously, a bad day for Chelsea is usually a good day for pretty much everyone else. And so, for services to nationwide happiness and unexpected heroes everywhere, Steven Naismith is our Player of the Week.

@bainsxiii

• James Morrison (for services to espionage and anonymity)
• David Silva (for services to attacking football and giving Chelsea what they deserve)
• Petr Cech (for services to narrative and entertainment)