Take a breather, blood diamond. Hit the showers, subterranean vault filled to the brim with gold bars. Don't call us, we'll call you, experimental computer chip that could alter the course of civilization. The gilded prize for the modern master thief has totally changed.
Thieves today—at least those in Denver, Colorado—appear to be going after some pretty average stuff. Foodstuff, that is.
Police are positively perplexed by a spate of local break-ins plaguing the Mile-High City this past week. In fact, the Denver Police Department even posted a warning on its Facebook page stating that an unknown burglar had broken into at least three separate Denver homes. All the criminal has done, however, was ingest the following from the homes of some very perplexed victims: a bag of beef jerky, a box of raisins, some Mountain Dew, chewing gum, and a couple of Hot Pockets. Everything else in the breached homes remained untouched—including computers, credit cards, and cash.
But the burglar did watch a little anime on their TVs.
In short, this thief appears to have a hell of a lot more in common with an otaku than with Professor Moriarty. That's right, the shadowy specter has an unwavering hunger for the precious snacks and Cowboy Bebop episodes of unsuspecting Coloradans.
"He looked like a young kid, maybe 11 or 12, which was just bizarre," stated Caroline Palmer, a west Denver resident who had the misfortune of walking in on the stranger while he was chilling on her couch last Friday, September 4. "The television was on, blaring. He was watching Japanese anime cartoons on my Netflix account."
The burglar in question hurriedly fled the scene through the back door as soon as Ms. Palmer arrived, leaving her dumbfounded and at a loss to make sense of the situation.
"He had eaten an entire bag of beef jerky and then there was a box of raisins," Palmer recalled to ABC7 News, shaking her head. "And there were ten pieces of chewed gum left in the sink."
The iron was still white-hot when the nimble cat burglar struck again, this time disappearing into the shadows before Adam and Laura Gosenca returned to their east Denver home to find drawers open and the screen torn off one of the windows.
"There was a Mountain Dew open on the counter," said Laura Gosenca, "and I took a drink before I realized … someone else had left it."
Good God! Has he no shame? Apparently not.
A third break-in was reported in which a homeowner noticed two individuals fleeing from his home only to find a crushing loss of two Hot Pockets missing from his freezer.
And how many trash-eating criminals are out there?
Maybe 7-Eleven and Studio Ghibli are secretly working on creating the perfect criminal and the test subjects managed to get loose. Who can say for sure? Whatever the case, we certainly do feel some compassion for the enigmatic eater and hope he can find a way to bask in the glory of junk food and Japanese cartoons—without all the larceny.
"I do feel sorry for him, yeah," Palmer told CBS Denver. "I would give the guy food if he came by looking for it."
For God knows what reason, the Denver Police Department is claiming the three incidents are not related or perpetrated by the same individual(s).
Sleep with one eye open and guard your snacks, folks.