choose your own adventure

It's... It's Going Well!

happy couple
Photo: Emily Bowler

Sorry to say this, but you have chosen the most boring (in terms of the game) and most wholesome and fulfilling (in terms of, for instance, your life) path on offer: you've moved in with your partner and it's going fine and you don't hate each other even at all. This happens, like, three in ten times.

Your contract being up in January is a pretty good marker of how well this is going: if your estate agent emailing you, "Hi guys, contract up 4 renew rent increase 15% renew fees 150£ each tell me if u rnwe by end of day or ill phone you 600 times and book a viewing anyway even if u say yes" doesn't make you both sit down with a weird horrible clunk of dread, each of you perched very pointedly on the bad end of a sofa ­– body language just awful, body language just everywhere – to have a "chat about where we're going" then you’re basically never going to. If you survive the first year without flipping each other off through a closed door, discretely joining locked houseshare groups on Facebook or getting a weird panic-crush on a colleague to escape the despair of your main relationship then you'll probably just power through and get married.

And so your future goes like this:

– A clear-out where you both discuss which books you want to keep!
– They quietly convince you to join a gym!
– Sincere discussion about your favourite porridge toppings!
– For some reason you have to go on holiday four fucking times this year!
– "Scrub up well, don't we" couples wedding picture!
– Your mum off-handedly mentions your grandma's engagement ring is going begging!
– Whole weekend you don't see each other because one of you has gone to Dublin "to do a run"!
– Photo of your proposal gets almost 200 likes on Instagram!
– 18-month wedding planning period where you try to get freelance work to help pay for it and fail entirely!
– The wedding is the happiest day of your life!
– Contraceptives just immediately discontinue, oh my god what not even a week?!
– You get the dog you were talking about, but we both know it's just a placeholder!
– The joyful and near-instant announcement of your first child!
– A lot of red and screaming happens and now your child is born!
– [miscellaneous 18-year hell period where you keep having to buy bigger houses, finance Audis, do maths homework and spend all your holiday days from work chaperoning endless, endless school trips to Warwick Castle]
– Well, your life is over but you know you had a good go