Photos by Vito Fun and Josh Benjamin
Doctors are boring. They don't have borders, true, but they also don't have any fucking clue what is going on. Doctors Without Remedies, they ought to be called. Who are they anyway? Do they just make up this shit? Like, take that hammer thing they do when they hit you on the knee and say, "Good reflexes." Did you know that exercise is total and utter horseshit? Try it out on a decathlon runner and then try it on a terminal cancer patient. Notice a difference? Me neither. In fact, it seems the only thing doctors are good for these days is giving you hep C from going to visit their disease-ridden hospitals.
In short, fuck doctors and all the bullshit that comes out of their mouths. We're smarter than them and we can probably figure out half the shit they know just based on common sense, especially if the patient is shitfaced at a party.
Here, let me prove it to you. Last Saturday our man Gordon noticed a huge lump growing out of the back of his head. He could have gone to the doctor and had hours of bullshit tests and this and that and that and this, or he could just have us figure it out ourselves. After about 13 beers we decided on the latter. Let's do dis.
PATIENT'S AILMENT: Huge thing in back of head. Feels like there is something in there.
DIAGNOSIS: Get it out of head.
TOOLS: Aspirin, razor blade, frying pan, iodine, cotton balls, paper towels, ice…and tons of booze
TREATMENT: Sterilize equipment and then cut the fucking thing out of his head. Tell it never to come back again.
1. As we boiled the razor we were thinking to ourselves, "This is probably bullshit. What's on there that needs to be boiled off, tar?" We did it anyway, however, and would only let the surgeon (nobody else) touch it after it cooled down. 2. The surgeon was forced to wash his hands extra carefully. He had been up late the night before burning himself with cigarettes as a dare and that means a lot of open sores that can carry germs. 3. Thankfully, the patient was able to isolate the cyst with his fingers. This helped our surgeon because he could now get a grip on exactly how much shit was in there. Will it be one hard ball? Will it be a bunch of chunky garbage? Who knows? The point is, that thing does not look like it belongs in there so it will need to be cut out. 4. OK, this is the gross part. The patient has doused his head in iodine and some other white shit we forgot the name of. He has also chugged several beers and taken four aspirin. This means his blood is very thin and is about to be all over the fucking place. At tattoo parlors you get in shit for that, but not here. Are we going to complain about a bit of extra blood? Does the mailman complain when it rains? The home surgeon's motto is, "Through blood and booze and sleet and snow, we will cut shit out of your head." Anyway, we got in there real carefully by making slow incisions to the cyst, back and forth, back and forth, until a vagina-shaped gash appeared in the center of the lump. 5. Once the hole was big enough, our surgeon was able to work the junk out of the bump. It had a rubbery texture like if someone had chewed up an eraser. After a bit of squeezing and massaging we were able to remove 100% of the cyst. It was at this time we decided it was either a calcium deposit or a cancerous brain tumor. It was definitely not botfly larvae as one person had suggested. 6. We decided to put some more iodine on the wound because it was bleeding like crazy and that was kind of freaking us out. 7. Unlike most hospitals, our surgeon allowed the patient to play with his discharge immediately after the operation. The patient was very intrigued by the stuff and asked, "Are you sure you got it all out?" to which our surgeon replied, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I kept working it and working it, and by the end it was just big blobs of blood." 8. After the patient became comfortable with his removed cyst he decided to eat it. There are probably amazing amounts of protein in that thing and, even if it's toxic, his stomach acid will be able to break it down. This had a gross-out factor of approximately 10. 9. Patient care involved no antibiotics and no Polysporin bullshit. It was determined that all pills do is weaken the patient's immunity and all creams do is suffocate the wound. The patient was put on a strict regimen of soap and water, which he followed religiously. 10. A week later, the wound had healed. It looked not unlike a mouth and seemed to be begging for a cartoon face to be drawn on. So we did.
The patient claims his home surgery experience was "fun" and he has had no complications since. NEXT! BIG BOBBY WINSLOW