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We're Going to the Porn Awards Tonight

We wrote a list of things we're gonna go hunting for.
March 15, 2012, 5:30pm

As I'm sure you know, tonight is the SHAFTAs, the UK's leading porn awards (I'm not sure if it actually is, but it's the only one we ever get invited to). As someone who's been to several adult entertainment industry events in the last couple of years, I've gotten a pretty good understanding of the scene, so to make this year a little bit more exciting, I've decided to compile a list of things I think I might see tonight. And I'm going to put together a post tomorrow with photos of the ones I could find. Like a scavenger hunt.

Here's what I'm going to be spending my night looking for. If you have any ideas, leave them in the comments below, I'll do my best to find them too.

Scavenger Hunt Item #1: The penis of an ex-Big Brother contestant (for the third year running).

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Item #2: Awkward, staged, careerist faux-lesbianism.

Item #3: The kind of toilet queue that only comes about when the stalls are being used for masturbation.

Item #4: Someone crying.

Item #5: Someone who has, at some point, slept with Jordan/ Katie Price.

Item #6: Somebody dressed up like "an old East End gangster."

Item #7: A "mom and dad" tattoo that the mom and dad in question probably aren't too psyched about.

Item #8: Ten porn industry "superfans," taking pictures on their phones outside.

Item #9: Somebody from either The Only Way Is Essex or Made in Chelsea, who I will drunkenly ask if they've ever seen Dalston Superstars.

Item #10: A sweat patch bigger than my face.

Item #11: A girl who thinks that she is subverting society's traditional idea of beauty because she has black hair, no tan and a tattoo of a boat.

Item #12: A fake entourage.

Item #13: Bez.

Item #14: Tim Westwood.

Item #15: The overwhelming urge to call my mom and tell her that I love her.

Like I said, if you have any bright ideas of what I should go looking for, let me know in the comments. I'll pick the best few and try to find them, but it might be hard what with all the despair there to distract me.

See you tomorrow!

Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT