Jason's Stuff - Those Dre Headphones

When is this big, beautiful gravy train gonna derail and send me flying into a ditch, all mangled and bloody with my integrity hanging out my ass? I know it's coming. I can see the postman's jealousy growing every time he delivers another package (fuck you, Alan, you fat, mean-spirited, psoriatic bastard).

This week I'm reviewing the BEATS PRO High Performance Over-Ear Headphones by Beats™ by Dr.Dre™ from Monster, and holy fucking shit if they don't sound amazing. I normally listen to my music through an old pair of sweat-cracked iPod headphones, and the music I normally listen to is The Spin Doctors. Let me just say that through these headphones "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" never sounded so "Little Miss Can't Be RIGHT-ON!" When those first few bars jangled into my ears I nearly loaded my britches with red-hot, corn-speckled shit.

It was like hearing music for the first time in my life! I wept a little! The BEATS PRO High Performance Over-Ear Headphones by Beats™ by Dr.Dre™ from Monster could win an award for their packaging alone. The box they came in is truly a marvel of cardboard engineering. It's so good I don't want to throw it out. I'm like that dude from The Gods Must Be Crazy and his little Coke bottle.

Which reminds me, there was this guy named Mick who I used to buy pot off way back in the 90s. Mick looked like a roadie for Status Quo and lived in a creepy two-story flophouse full of drunken old men, junkies, and prostitutes. He also used to wear half a pair of glasses. They got busted at some stage and only one lens and an arm remained, but that didn't stop him from wearing them out in the street (total weirdo). Anyway, the first time I went over to Mick's pad he let me into his tiny, filthy bedroom, and I saw that on his walls he'd taped up an assortment of empty wrappers: 2-Minute Noodle packets, Hubba Bubba wrappers, etc. It was bizarre. Why anyone—let alone an adult man—would decorate his room with old Snickers wrappers and empty cigarette cartons is beyond me. Why would you do that? Mick only knows.

Another time I went over there and Mick had a huge biker passed out on his bed. When I walked in, the dude tried to get up and attack me, but he fell forward and cracked his head on a shelf, sending an arch of blood pissing out of his skull. As he passed out again, he let go a long, sad fart. "Run!" said Mick, and I bolted. Incidentally, I don't make this shit up. All these mundane anecdotes I use to fill space and waste your time are 100 percent true. Anyway, with his queer wrapper fetish thing, I imagine Mick would be really impressed with the BEATS PRO High Performance Over-Ear Headphones by Beats™ by Dr.Dre™ from Monster packaging. In fact, he probably would have hidden it down the hall in the old guy's room where he kept his drugs.

I listened to a bunch of different things on these—Slayer, Wu-Tang, Debussy—and all of it sounded phenomenal. It's like I've been seeing the world through Mick's glasses my whole life and then Dre gave me a complete pair. It's like my ears can see again, that's what I'm trying to say.

According to the fact sheet, they've been carefully tuned to provide unsurpassed accuracy over all audio frequencies for an ideal professional reference listening experience. The oversize, plush ear cups are designed for total wearer comfort and the precise fitting helps block out ambient noise, allowing users to hear music clearly even in the noisiest environment. They're also capable of standing up to the rigors of rough and repeated professional use. The ear cushions are also washable, so congratulations, you just read the fact sheet.

In closing, I'd just like to say that the BEATS PRO High Performance Over-Ear Headphones by Beats™ by Dr.Dre™ from Monster are the best headphones in the world, and you should trash those lame iPod headphones you've been putting up with for the last two years and shell out for a pair of these, you tightfisted penis sore. You won't regret it.

Previously: GLOW IN THE DARK OUIJA BOARD