Ever woken up in somebody else's bed filled with so much self-loathing your only option is fabricating a nearly-impossible story to get yourself far away pronto? Of course you have.
It's just the nature of the human condition. We want what we want, but we also want to be liked. No one wants to hurt anybody's feelings by telling them the hard truth, which is that, although you might have been so intimate only hours before, the harsh morning light brought horror and regret.
Perhaps you woke up and saw that they have no books and a Green Day poster. Fair call, we all have our deal breakers. But you're never going to actually tell them these things, are you? No, of course not. What you need is an excuse, and you need one fast. We asked a few Kiwis how to do it right.
Hey Hannah, what's a good way to get the fuck out of an intimate situation?
Best way—say you're going to the loo, grab your clothes, and run.
Have you done that?
At Rhythm and Vines [festival], yeah. Also, one time at Rhythm I was just making out with a guy in my tent, then I decided I didn't wanna do it anymore so I just said, "Shit I can hear my boyfriend's voice. He's really big and scary, so run, run!"
What did he do?
He ran out of my tent.
Did you see him again?
Hey Jack, have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to get out of someone's house after you've slept with them?
A few weekends ago I told a guy that I was going hiking with some friends, which was a lie. Then he was like, "No stay, we are gonna have a barbecue and beers for my flatmate's birthday."
So I was like, "Ok, whatever." Then his flatmates left and we just sat there watching TV for like two hours and then he asked for a blow job and I was like, "Yeah, sure whatever." Then he finished and said, "I can drop you home, if you like?" I was like "What about the BBQ and beers?" He just like shrugged his shoulders and got up and grabbed his keys.
This guy actually sounds like the worst.
Yeah he's fucked. Huge peen, but the dumbest person I know. All he has going for him, really.
God doesn't give with both hands, I guess.
Yeah, but excuse stories are few and far between. With gays there's kind of a general understanding that a fuck is a fuck. I do have a friend that was supposed to go on a date with a guy but couldn't be bothered, so he lied to his date and told him he could only hang for like an hour because he had a birthday party to go to.
Then the guy was like hot and better than expected, so my friend texted all his friends and was like, "All of you need to go to my house and pretend you're having a party," so they did and then he took the date there with him.
Hey Emily, what's your go-to excuse when you you want to gap post-tap?
I wanted to leave once at like 6 AM, so I said I had to nanny.
Were you a nanny?
I've never nannied in my life.
Amazing. Okay, how did it go down?
I'd gone home with him, but got grossed out so I didn't even sleep with him and pretended to be asleep. Then first thing in the morning I was, like, so unenthused that I just said, "Oh I've got nannying". To be honest, I was too tired to care. So I went to have a shower and was like, "Be gone by the time I'm back".
Did he leave?
Yep, I heard the door close and jumped back into bed. I find just getting up and getting ready to "leave" is a good way to make people feel unwelcome.
I'm so evil.
Hey Julian, can you recall a banger line you, or someone you've slept with, has used to get out after a one night stand?
Kind of… Recently when I was in Europe, I met this girl and we got a hotel, it was great. We fell asleep and then at about 4 AM she started getting dressed because she "had to study." I wasn't worried at all. I got the continental breakfast by myself.
You weren't offended that she "had to study" at 4 AM?
Maybe like 20 percent offended but mostly not. If she'd used that to get away when we'd first met, I would have been a bit bummed. But at 4 AM, I was half-asleep. I figured it was a weird move and fell back into bed.
Did you pay for the hotel? In that case it's pretty raw if she just gapped.
Do you have a surefire excuse to get you out the morning after?
I've got a theory that all excuses sound a bit thin. It's best to just say "I'm off" and just own it.
But nothing prevents hurt feelings like a family member suddenly falling gravely ill.
You're right. Sick people save lives.
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