Some dude—probably Shakespeare or Dr. Phil—once said that you are what you eat. But is that still the case if what you eat just so happens to be printed-out photographs of an actor frequently featured in the work of Judd Apatow?
It's without doubt a question as old as time. Thankfully, one brave YouTuber named Noah Maloney is finally putting society's greatest question to rest. Toronto-based Maloney has been eating printed-out photos of Jason Segel and plans to continue to do so, he says, until the day Segel eats a photo of Maloney—an undertaking that could ostensibly last for the duration of young Noah's life.
In a four-minute video, Maloney can be seen silently taking bites out of a piece of printer paper upon which a headshot of Forgetting Sarah Marshall star Jason Segel is printed. After four minutes of nonchalant biting, tearing, and chewing, Maloney emotionlessly stares into the camera and says "Hey, Jason."
Since being posted on YouTube on February 16, the video has gone viral and has already been viewed nearly 350,000 times. Because, of course.
— Noah Maloney (@zestynoah) February 16, 2017
We—undoubtedly, like you—just had to learn more about this artistic statement, so we reached out to Maloney. He explained that he and his friends "just like to make stupid videos and this is what happened. We thought it would only be for our friends' enjoyment."
When asked just how long he could possibly keep up the act—and if he was worried about any risk to his health, given all that paper and ink entering his digestive tract—Maloney told us that he'd keep eating Jason pix for "as many [days] as I need to. Until Jason eats my face. We have subsidised healthcare in Canada. My wellbeing is irrelevant to the situation."
Unwilling to have this escapade used as an argument against Obamacare, we pressed on, intent to get to the bottom of this mysterious behaviour. We wondered, is Maloney some sort of Jason Segel superfan?
Not exactly, Maloney said: "He's a good actor, I liked . I cannot stress enough that this is not fueled by anything."
Ah, a nihilist, we thought. Perhaps this is some sort of performance art piece demonstrating the transitory nature of images and celebrity in our time?
Then again, maybe not.
Maloney told MUNCHIES that although he's using normal printer paper right now, he has big plans: he intends to prepare the printed-out photos in a number of ways, and that he "would eat a spicy Jason." He added that photos of Jason Segel happen to "taste like hope, and paper."
Although the vast majority of Maloney's viewers so far appear to be skeptical that Jason Segel will actually end up taking the bait and putting an end to this bit of malarkey, Maloney has an entirely different perspective: "I think it will happen. I will not stop until he eats a picture of me. If I die it's on his hands . . . Hey, Jason."
Can eating tons and tons of printed out headshots actually kill a man? Will Noah Maloney actually BECOME Jason Segel in some sort of transitive-rule-based, Freaky Friday, you-are-what-you-eat way?
Only time will tell. Unless, that is, Jason Segel steps in and puts us all out of our misery.