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New Study Confirms that Old White Men Were Right: Things Were Better Back in the Day

Physical endurance tests on subjects aged 16-25 also confirm that nobody knows how to go in anymore.

Confirming the long-held theories of just-over-the-hill promoters and guys with skin like spoiled leather, a new study has revealed that things actually were better back in the day than they are now. The investigation—comprised of in-depth surveys, behavioral studies, and double-blind clinical trials, and carried out by the White Isle Institute, a small research group based in Nantwich, UK—backs up claims that have filled smoking areas for the past ten years.

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Now, we had all that glorious anecdotal evidence about literally everything being better back then, but now we've got some very, very solid facts to work with. Firstly, the study has clarified that pills were definitely stronger back in the day. Of the 200 grizzly old men surveyed, all 200 of them were able to confidently assert that back in the day "the ecstasy had you coming up like you wouldn't believe," with many adding that "kids these days wouldn't know what had hit them if they had one of our disco biscuits."

The study also conducted tests into the energy conducted between atoms within spaces used for parties both now and back in the day. This test indicated that vibrations between molecules were far more effective back in the day than they are now. Positive energy was carried between the bodies and particles with greater ease and fluidity. To paraphrase the study's findings, the vibes were better back in the day then they were now.

Similarly, tests of air purity confirmed that there was also a better atmosphere back in the day.

Lunar studies also revealed that due to slight shifts in the orbital patterns of the moon around the earth, claims that "nights felt like they lasted forever" are in fact entirely accurate. Everyone actually did stay up way later than they do now.

Endurance and exercise tests carried out on a group of 60 British and North American youths aged 16 through 25 also confirmed that nobody knows how to go in anymore. Tests on attention spans revealed that most modern club-goers are unable to sustain interest in a DJ set for longer than 30 seconds before checking their phones, although DJs' over-reliance on USBs and a distinct lack of vinyl has been cited as a probable cause. Lastly, anatomical examinations have since revealed a complete lack of balls among the modern ravers surveyed.