Welcome to Off-Menu, where we'll be rounding up all the food news and food-adjacent internet ephemera that delighted, fascinated, or infuriated us this morning.
- Over the weekend, Lindsey Vonn skied in her last professional race before retiring due to injuries, finishing as the most accomplished US skier and the most accomplished female skier in history. Her boyfriend, PK Subban of the Nashville Predators, would say she's the Greatest Of All Time. With that in mind, he welcomed her back from Sweden with balloons saying "Officially Retired" and a cake that's both cute because of the concept and alarming because of how lifelike it is (I mean, for a goat wearing a USA beanie and an Olympic gold medal).
- The Los Angeles Times published a chart comparing 19 fast food chain French fries, leading to chaos and controversy. Ranking qualitative things in a quantitative manner based on a single person's subjective opinion was received with the appropriate amount of distance and deference. Sike! Even the person running the LA Times Food section's Twitter account took issue with the bottom-of-the-barrel ranking for In-N-Out.
- Shepherds on the Italian island of Sardinia are protesting against what they believe is collusion among big cheese companies to keep prices low for sheep and goat milk by pouring out their milk onto the streets and handing out hunks of pecorino cheese, a demonstration I think everyone can get on board with—although now I imagine locals just want them to stay mad.
- The artist Andres Serrano, who is best known for submerging a picture of a crucifix in his own urine (Piss Christ) and showcasing various torture techniques, has paid $1,880 for a slice of cake from Donald and Melania Trump's 2005 wedding. I'm sure he just wants to know what the 14-year-old dessert tastes like!
- In the span of one week, two different men in Florida were arrested for assaulting their partner with a burrito. And the only thing I have to say about that is: At least it's weird enough to make news, unlike most domestic battery.
Alton Brown cooked his steak in mayonnaise, in case you were wondering why everyone was fighting to the death over their entrenched and entirely personal opinions on a particular condiment—
A wire fox terrier named King won the Westminster Dog Show yesterday, but all I care about is the various agility videos hitting the internet in a wave of unequivocal joy. What's great about dogs is: Watching them navigate an obstacle course is equally delightful regardless of how skillful they are. Here are some of my faves:
Buy This Bouquet
For the man who loves love but considers classic displays of romance to be a threat to his testosterone levels, the Manly Man Company (which is a thing that exists either because such a guy is not just a rhetorical device or because the assumption is we're so far past that being a welcome personality trait that it's now ironic to assume as much?) has a whole section of their online store dedicated to "Man Bouquets," like this beef jerky rose bouquet which comes in a pint glass. Guaranteed to make him say, "Thanks, babe."