I’m a People-Pleaser. Is That Why Relationships Don’t Satisfy Me?

This piece originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today we’re hoping to help someone who constantly adapts to his dates and gets lost in the process.

Hi VICE,

I would say my dating life is more than fine, especially when compared to other people around me. I go on dates every week and we often end up in bed. And if we don’t, I will find someone in the club I can spend a good night with. Recently, I even got to know someone at a coffee place.

My dates are rarely one-night stands; we usually become friends. The only thing is: It never gets more serious than having sex a few times. I think that's because I am never really myself on dates. And as a result, the connection never feels real.

This is not new to me. Ever since I was young, I have adapted my personality to the people I wanted to be friends with. My mother is like that too. She taught me that people want to be friends with you if they like you, and that they’ll like you if you are what they need you to be at that moment.

So that's exactly how I engage in relationships: I figure out what someone likes, and I become that. This is especially the case on dates: With one person, I am a cynical intellectual; with another, a calm and collected stoner; and with yet another, a reliable, hard-working partner. I enjoy it when my date says things like, "Where have you been all my life?"

This also shows up in my sex life. When I'm having sex with someone, my only goal is to satisfy them – I don't even think about what I feel like. As a result, I always end up unsatisfied. That, too, can make me feel quite lonely.

It may sound dramatic, but the more dates I go on, the more I feel like I'm disappearing. Sometimes, I wonder if I even have a personality. I don't really know how to make sincere connections. All of this is starting to affect my love and sex life more and more, while I would like nothing more than to share my life with someone. How do I discover who I really am – and also what I like in bed?

Cheers,

C.

Hi C.,

To begin with, it’s not necessarily a problem if you don't know who you are yet. No timeline determines when you are supposed to become the final version of yourself – if there is even such a thing. Psychology has different theories about when exactly someone develops a personality. But the bottom line is that it's perfectly normal to have different priorities at various stages of your life and to be influenced by the people around you, your work, and even the media. As life goes on, you experience new things and evolve as a person, too.

However, you say that it bothers you. You feel that you are disappearing, that your connections don't feel sincere, and that sex doesn't satisfy you. What is the best way to approach this?

According to sexologist Yuri Ohlrichs, relationships – whether long or short – often display this imbalance, where one person adapts more to the other. While it’s fine in some cases, Ohlrichs noted that it can cause the person who is adapting to become exhausted over time. 

"It's nice that you're considerate of others, whether that's in your relationship, during sex, or in your daily life," Ohlrichs says. “But the most important thing is that you are enjoying yourself, too.” Besides, “It is also important that your happiness and self-esteem do not depend on someone else's compliments,” he adds. Long story short, you should try to focus on yourself. 

One way to do that – and this may sound obvious – is to think about how you are when you’re not around others. Don't think about cliché personality types, but more about what you like to do – what you do to relax, what moves you, or what keeps you up at night. “You can also try to figure out what you’d like to tell someone about yourself on these dates or what you find attractive in another person,” Ohlrichs adds. 

These things don't necessarily define you, but they can help you get a clearer picture of what you get pleasure and energy from at the moment. Allow yourself to go on a quest, also regarding sex. Masturbate, try something new, educate yourself, and don't be afraid to discuss these things with your sexual partners. You don't have to be an expert at everything right away – make sure to take your time.

Remember you aren’t selling anyone short by thinking about yourself, Ohlrichs stressed. Because in the end, you will have the most valuable relationships (romantic or not) if you have the guts to be authentic. It is precisely then that you attract the people you can really bond with. And while a hot night with a stranger can be a lot of fun, you might find out you have good sexual chemistry with people you have a deeper connection with.

On that note, it’s okay to not be to everyone's taste. You wrote that you like it when someone sees you as the ideal partner. But if you want to experience real connections, you must accept that you will have dates with people you don’t click with.

“And when that happens, you should use such dates to your advantage,” Ohlrichs says. “You can gain a lot of new insights about yourself through contact with others. Why doesn't it click? And what would I have liked differently? What makes me like or dislike someone?” The more you experience, the more you can figure out what you like. This doesn’t only apply to dates; you can do the same with other aspects of your life.

“It's nice to hear that you are the person missing from someone's life,” Ohlrichs says. “But, especially in long-term relationships, this is not sustainable because there will be a time in your relationship when you also discover each other's not-so-pleasant sides.” And if you expect always to be the perfect person for someone, it can be extra difficult to deal with negative feedback from a partner or a friend.

Besides, it wouldn’t hurt to find out where this behaviour stems from with the help of a friend, a coach, or a therapist. For example, you might find out you’re afraid of being lonely or struggle with low self-esteem, which makes you feel like you’re never good enough. Or maybe your view of what it means to “have a personality” is a little distorted. A personality cannot be reduced to a type such as “cynical intellectual” or “involved partner” – perhaps you’re too influenced by what you see in movies or on social media.

You may also come to the conclusion that this empathetic chameleon is simply who you are at the moment: someone who likes to meet new people, is curious about how other people work, and likes to reinvent themselves time and again. And that's OK, too. As long as you feel that you can be your true self, your relationships will also become more comfortable and authentic.