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Have a Shitty Weekend!

Three ways to make sure you have the shittiest weekend possible.
May 30, 2014, 3:26pm

Photo by Glauco Canalis

Have you ever played ‘Fuck You Roulette’? It’s a game in which you type "Fuck you" into the message box of a text, then blindly scroll through your contacts list and pick one at random, click send and then reveal to yourself what kind of hilarious trouble you’ve gotten yourself into. Is it your boss?! Your mum?! Your partner?!?! O’, the japes, they come thick’n fast! Here’s how I play it: every single day I go through my entire contacts list and tell them "Fuck you." From Adam Abraham to Zoe Zabala, every hour on the hour, "Fuck you," "Fuck you," "Fuck you." I’ve gotten court summons, restraining orders, police have been round my gaff but I don’t care. Because I will do anything in pursuit of the banter, guys. I will put myself in harms way, ruin relationships, lose jobs, just so I can get a mild kick and a perverse sense of power. That’s how I’m spending my weekend – how about you? Try these things, they’re almost certainly all going to be like eating a scotch egg make of Lutefisk and sloth blood. HITS FROM THE PONG
Bounce Pub, 121 Holborn, EC1N 2TD, Friday 30 May Man, what happened to pubs? It used to be that you could go down the local boozer and the only forms of entertainment would be a pool table, a dart board, a fruit/quiz machine or a flat-capped geriatric racist. Now what do we have? Fucking ping pong.


Pub sports should be sedate; lining up a pool cue, throwing a dart, tapping a touchscreen version of Deal Or No Deal – these are all things you do standing stock still. Ping pong is a game you play in a rusty Spanish villa’s garage or a quirky wine bar – not a public house. Everything's under control though, because a guy called Dom Search from hip hop crew The Nextmen (me neither) will also be there "spinning hip hop, soul and party bangers." The night will even feature "UV ping pong", which I guess will be useful for tracing the blood I’ve hastily wiped off the table after smashing everyone in the room to death with the little paddles.


Trafalgar Square, Sat 31 May

If you’re not familiar with Vine, it’s a phone application that lets you take six second videos and then loops them, like a .gif with audio. It’s basically widely accepted that the only people actually good at Vine are black American teenagers, but of course, you can’t keep the white man’s hands off anything for too long, and of course it has been pervaded by the milky devils.

So, if you want to experience unadulterated, skin-crawlingly embarrassing unfunniness en masse then you’d better head down to the UK Vine Meet Up in Trafalgar Square this Saturday. Watch as the most minor, minor celebrities (I mean celebrities on Vine, not real ones like Brian Belo) do kooky moving-selfies and take their trousers down and dance to Katy Perry or whatever the fuck it is that they do.

Just take a look at the video above. Hundreds of absolutely humour-deprived idiots making arseholes of themselves, deluded into think they’re special, or clever, or funny because they’ve managed to press down on a touch screen for six seconds and do something wacky. They are people that think silly faces, like pushing your chin into your neck and crossing your eyes, are amusing to people who’ve developed beyond wearing nappies and pissing the bed. Then again, some people like spending their Saturdays surrounded by total cunts. Some people do it every weekend. So if you want a lil’ extra cunt in your life, the UK Vine Meet Up is just the place for you. CHOOSE YR OWN ADVENTURE
Redemption Bar, London Sat 31 May Christ, this sounds like the most depressing, dry thing in the world. Choose Yr Own Adventure is an LGBT club night held in Redemption Bar. Here’s the twist: it’s completely sober. Instead of having "a drink" you can "binge on party-flavoured beats." I don’t subscribe to the Hank Hill philosophy of fun within strict guidelines, so the idea of a shindig where the organisers "take the sober theme seriously" and "ask punters not to drink (or indulge in any other naughty intoxicants) before heading to the venue" is not something I’d like to indulge in.

I can’t even see why it exists. Is it for LGBT recovering alcoholics? Is everyone just going to be stood around drinking 20 cups of coffee and not dancing to Ladytron? Who’s idea was this? It purports to offer a "fun, sober and safe space," and while I’m sure it’s very sober and very "safe" (whatever the fuck that means in this context), I can’t really see there’s much fun to be had. Alcohol isn’t necessarily an arbiter of bad vibes, especially not in an environment in which you’ll supposedly be surrounded by likeminds.

Get a life, Choose Yr Own Adventure, have a shandy. Unless of course you are actually recovering alcoholics in which case you should probably set yourselves up for a lifetime of shitty weekends.