An Englishman Has Been Banned from Playgrounds After Having Sex with a Slide

This article originally appeared on VICE UK.

A man from Coventry, England, has been banned from any places that may have a slide in them—playgrounds, soft-surface jungle gyms, those grim fairgrounds brought to your town each year by ratty men in bodywarmers, sucking the scum of cowboy roll-ups into their thin, boneless bodies—because the police found him having sex with a slide once.

I mean! Can a man not have sex with a slide, once! Can a man—Christopher Johnson, the man, 46, from Coventry—can a man not simulate sex with a slide without being arrested for indecent acts in a park at night by the police! Can a man not also have a previous conviction for a similar offense dating back to July last year, when he undressed and "performed a sex act" on top of another, separate, but equally sexy slide? Well: No, he cannot. Being sexy in playgrounds is generally frowned upon and seen as bad.

But we live in a country now where the Prime Minister—maybe, possibly, allegedly—put his flaccid undergraduate penis in the mouth of a dead pig. So why can't a man from Coventry fuck a slide?

We live in a world where a woman ended her 20-year relationship with the Berlin Wall to marry the Eiffel Tower, and we view her as a sort of novelty fetishist, a sort of harmless iron frotter. And yet a man from Coventry may not become aroused by a slide! Is it because we are so enamored with the idea of romantic love that marrying a 1,063-foot lattice tower is seen as OK, but having a seedy little one-night stand on top of a slide is not? Would it be OK if Christopher Johnson had proposed to the slide first, and simulated sex atop it gently in a honeymoon suite in a four-star Barbadian hotel? Are we slut-shaming the world's slide fuckers?

Again: no. Just to clarify: no, don't fuck slides. It's a literal sex offense. Johnson was handed a Criminal Behavior Order yesterday banning him from playgrounds, swimming baths, recreation grounds, and leisure centers for the next three years, as well as a £55 [$85] fine (surprisingly low, for fucking a slide), £60 [$90] victim surcharge (not for me to question the lash and the law but: how does an inanimate slide claim victim remuneration? What can a slide buy with $90?) and £265 [$407] costs and charges, as well as having to undergo an 18-month sex offender treatment program. So, to recap: don't fuck slides. But still: It's one rule for a braying future prime minister allegedly putting his dick in a pig, or a former Olympian in love with a 128-year-old Parisian tourist attraction, quite another for a simple Coventry man fucking a slide.

Class war now.

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