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The Rat Uprising Has Struck Our Nation's Capital

Hopefully the rodents will usher in a better version of DC than the hellscape we have now.

Things are not exactly great in our nation's capital. People are literally running over one another in the streets, that anonymous New York Times op-ed made our president even more paranoid, and now he's even threatening to write another goddamn book, all while we bury ourselves in Elon Musk memes and try to ignore the imminent collapse of our country in crisis.

But not everyone seems satisfied with humanity's grim, comatose view on things. First, it was the leftist woodchucks taking it upon themselves to gnaw apart Paul Ryan's car in protest, and now, according to a video from NBC Washington, one small rat in DC has symbolically sounded the alarm on the shit show erupting in our nation's capital—by literally sounding an alarm.

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Yes, the rodent managed to scale a metal handrail, pull the building's fire alarm, and prompt an actual evacuation at the DC condo building, but the video, captured on security cameras last summer, shouldn't be taken as a simple false alarm. Let this be a wakeup call to everyone: The rats have had enough of our shit. While we busy ourselves with cuter animals, a silent army of rats have been feasting on our garbage, pulling their weight in pizza, and training for the day they overthrow us all. That shrill alarm, bleating louder than the rat's own squeaking voice ever could, is just the first phase—a reminder that we should wake up and face the reality unfolding around us, while we still can.

Humanity had a fine run while it lasted, but perhaps the time has come to let the rats run things for a while. May they'll offer up their outstretched claws and lead us like some inverse Pied Piper to a better world—or at least a better version of Washington, DC, or whatever the fuck we have now. Long live our rat overlords.

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