America's fourth most prestigious music awards went down last night on ABC, hosted by everyone's least favourite human being - Pitbull. Surprisingly, they weren't terrible - I think because the TV version is mostly just big budget performances and then they give away all the actual awards on their LiveJournal or whatever. Anyway, here's what we learned*.Sometimes when bands replace their dead members you sense it's because their passion for performance and desire to pay tribute a friend they've lost has surpassed their personal grief. But with TLC you just know they just really need the money.
So buried down in every SyCo act is an emergency switch, a big red button marked REVERT TO WESTLIFE, implanted for Cowell to thwack when things go tits up. He hit it when the sassy Caribbean winner of X Factor USA failed to chart inside the Billboard 100, and again when the fortunes of singing Blue Harbour model Shane Ward started to flounder. One Direction are still a way off from the inevitable downward portion of their career trajectory, but clearly Cowell has got a little trigger happy. This is the most Westlife performance of their career, all they need now is stools, a gay one, and to appear at Louis Walsh's judges houses from now until the end of time.Eons ago, in the late 00s, Taylor Swift sang saccharine country ballads to help red-state pre-teens through their first tampon insertion. These days she makes brilliant dubstep influenced pop produced by Max Martin and Jackknife Lee. Yet somehow she managed to bag the award for Best Female Artist in both the pop and country categories last night. Basically bitch will be anyone to anyone if it means another block of silver to melt down and turn into her red carpet dress for the award itself.
LIL MAMA BECAME LISA LEFT-EYE
The big surprise of the night came from a reformed TLC who performed the 17th greatest song in the history of popular music, “Waterfalls”. Lil Mama, of once seemed like she was going to be quite good but then got a job as a judge on America’s Best Dance Crew and disappeared out of popular culture fame, played the role of Lisa Lopez, even wearing her trademark green hair.
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MILEY'S RUNNING OUT OF MEMES
The AMAs comes at an awkward point in the award show calendar. Artists have already gone for shock tactics at the VMAs, EMAs and on SNL, but want to save their last big budget performance for the Grammys. Basically what you end up with is a lot of big stars doing their "will this thing the intern came up with do?" performance.
Even Miley Cyrus, with her wolf like instincts for free publicity, has run out of ways to dryhump the zeitgeist. I suppose she was performing in just her underwear, but that’s started to fail to register, like when you’re in a relationship for too long and you get used to your partner’s boring, familiar body.
In the end she just sort of stood there, singing her song with a giant cat behind. Because people on the internet still like cats, right guys? Right? The graphics looked like a first year CSM student’s debut foray into after-effects and 3D animation software in a project they called LOLCats: Teh Exhibishun. There’s never been a kitten I've empathised with less.
DO WE HAVE TO KNOW WHO ARIANA GRANDE IS NOW?
EVERY SIMON COWELL ACT HAS INBUILT RTW (Revert To Westlife)
Until not that long ago, Simon Cowell was just a bottom-of-the-ladder Volvo driving record company exec who was left with all the novelty acts and maudlin boybands that no one else wanted to work with. With a few jabs of the needle, tucks of neck fat and a constant team around him telling him what music to listen to, he eventually transformed himself into the world's biggest pop mogul. But deep down he still knows nothing. He told a Times journalist that his favourite band was Athlete. That was last year.
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THE TWO MOST INSANE PEOPLE IN MUSIC SEEM TO BE HAVING A GOOD AFFECT ON EACH OTHER
One of the best performances of the night came from Lady Gaga and R.Kelly, their version of “Do What You Want With My Body” was a Trapped In The Closet cum Lewinsky scandal cum Marilyn and Kennedy ridiculfart with Kelly playing the President and Gaga playing his sexetary.It’s weird that these two popstars, both of whom have been in danger of disappearing up the backsides of their own self-importance in recent years, have come together for a string of self-aware, hilarious and not at all terrible performances. I guess it's difficult to take anything seriously after President R.Kelly gospel sings his lunch order down the phone.
TAYLOR SWIFT WILL STILL BE COUNTRY IF IT MEANS SHE CAN WIN ANOTHER AWARD
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IMAGINE DRAGONS ARE JUST GOING TO KEEP WINNING AWARDS
Imagine Dragons have one of the worst band names in the world. You've probably heard their song "I'm On Top Of The World" because it's been shoved in front of almost every YouTube video like an advert that thinks it's more important than it really is. Oh, and it's one of the theme songs to FIFA 2013, proving that these guys really have the marketing team that better bands deserve. Anyway, last night they won the American Music Award for Best Rock/Alternative band, like they always seem to at every American awards ceremony, despite that fact I refuse to believe anyone, anywhere has ever enjoyed their music.*We're using "learned" to mean the same thing The Learning Channel do when they screen episodes of Honey Boo BooMore awards on Noisey:What Did We Learn From The MTV European Music AwardsWe learnt that weed exists and the guy from LMFAO is still having a nervous breakdown.Why The Mercury Prize Needs To Be Put Out Of Its MiseryThe judging panel of the Mercury Prize have shown the award has ceased to be relevant.