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Wiley's Best Tweets from CockRock Festival 2013

He's spent the last three days arguing with the "pagans" and "reptillions" who bottled him off.

Wiley isn't having a great festival season. After he bailed on Glastonbury because he decided he didn't like rain or the countryside ("fuck them and their farm"), his management team must have been feeling pretty anxious ahead of his scheduled performance at something called CockRock on Saturday. Which is in Cumbria. On a farm.

Unlike at Glastonbury, Wiley actually hung around to perform at this festival but only lasted 15 minutes on stage after some derogatory tweets earned him a hostile reaction from the crowd. Wiley responded by taunting his critics with his £15k appearance fee and by accusing everyone there of being racist pagans.


For the last three days.

It all began with a pre-emptive strike as Wiley made his way to the festival:

After getting inundated with angry replies from people who were obviously a lot more excited about CockRock than he was, Wiley was anticipating some abuse from the crowd before he arrived. So he politely asked the festivalgoers to show some restraint:

But then he saw some tractors and suddenly forgot about it, the E3 boy blown away by the wonder of agriculture:

After discovering the local countryside produce, he was practically bumping fists with anyone in a flat cap:

He was now like a puppy on a train, everything he saw was blowing his mind, even condiments:

However, his mood took a downturn once he hit the stage and was booed and bottled off with what may or may not have been piss after 15 minutes. But he didn’t let the situation get him down too much:

Those who'd attended the non-profit festival weren’t too impressed with his performance and demanded he give his fee to charity. Wiley didn’t agree and decided they were all heathens:

He had taken from the rich and was going to feed the poor – with Nike basketball shoes:

He then made a pretty spot-on observation about what the current state of Bob Geldof’s finances would be like if he was relying solely on his annual Boomtown Rats royalty cheque of £14.27:

Just in case his manager had designs on booking him for a festival in the North West of England ever again, he made sure that wasn’t going to happen:


Wiley then claimed that CockRock was so white it may as well have been organised by Tommy Robinson:

Was briefly distracted by a dessert:

But then became so completely insane with rage that he began channelling David Icke:

To be fair to him, everyone – the festival organisers, Wiley's management team, the people who bought tickets to go see him, us – should be aware by now that it's a mistake to book Wiley for this kind of event. Other than the odd excursion to Malia, Napa or Ibiza, the grime Brian Wilson only seems comfortable when he’s DJing deep house in his kitchen, his decks sat on top of his cooker, switching on the extractor fan to simulate crowd noise when he drops a big tune:

What was he even doing on the bill, anyway? Playing alongside a load of acts who, judging by their names (those given top billing included WE//ARE//ANIMAL and New City Kings), probably landed a slot after winning a Battle of the Bands competition at a local fete, or by being the farmer’s extended family, or something:

Obviously, calling people "invalids" isn't cool. But then he does routinely find himself up against dickheads like these.

Anyway, by late yesterday afternoon Wiley decided It was time to banish these pagan racist heathen reptilian Cumbrians from our land forever:

But not before he’d popped to the bank to deposit his festival fee:

Follow John on Twitter: @prancehall

Previously – Wiley's Best Tweets from Glastonbury 2013 So Far


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