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Dear Penis, Welcome to the Bathroom, You Must Be New

A man has a penis. It's like a tube of flesh. When a man pees, the urine comes out of the tube of flesh and lands wherever it's aimed. You can literally aim the flow of pee and have it do a variety of things, like make your initials in the snow, melt...

You can't tell by looking at this picture, and sometimes, I can't tell until my feet are wading in it, but there is a puddle of piss on the floor under this toilet.

While visiting any of the bathroom stalls provided to us at the VICE HQ here in Brooklyn, at any given time, on any given day, I will wonder, as I reach to open the door, what will greet me inside. Will it be poop streaks in the bowl? Will it be actual floating feces lumps? Will there be moist pubes on the rim of the seat? Period blood? A combination of all of these things? All of those things can very easily be explained away with something along the lines of "I'm disgusting and don't know how to handle my body hair or bodily functions," but what I will never understand, or accept an excuse for, is how a person manages to enter a bathroom with the intent to put their urine into the toilet (its intended purpose and place) and instead unloads it all over the floor.


As this happens to me daily (walking into a bathroom used by adults and finding pee pee on the floor) I spend a lot of time thinking about it. I think about it so much, and develop so many theories on how it could happen, that my thoughts split and it all becomes too difficult to organize. I figured it would be best if I wrote it all down, so maybe we could work on this riddle of life together.


I have a vagina. When I pee, the pee comes out of a small hole that is up towards the top of everything that is considered "my vagina." I pee sitting down. When I have to pee, and sit down, the pee comes out like water from a hose that has a spray nozzle on the end of it. If I were to not pee in a toilet, but chose to pee on a patch of grass, or on a tree, the pee would most likely hit my upper thighs, and probably my shoes, if I wasn't careful. I could make my stream of pee into more of a direct line if I used a funnel, but I don't have a funnel. My urine has never ended up on the floor of a public restroom. Not one drop. Ever. Not even when I was a small baby.

A man has a penis. It's like a tube of flesh. When a man pees, the urine comes out of the tube of flesh and lands wherever it's aimed. You can literally aim the flow of pee and have it do a variety of things, like make your initials in the snow, melt cubes of ice, knock a can off of a plastic bucket, or go into a toilet in one even line. A man will piss all over the floor of a public restroom. A man will put his pee pee on the floor.



Sometimes when a person has to pee very badly, they have to rush to the bathroom, and then fumble with a zipper, or items of clothing before they can start to pee in the toilet. Also, when a person has to pee very badly, the nearer they get to a toilet, the more urgent the need to pee will become. It's mental. Perhaps men make the mistake of not peeing in a toilet, but putting it on the floor right by the toilet, because they had to go so badly that they couldn't make it that extra distance of one inch, into the huge hole filled with water, and so it ended up on the floor. Children, and, I guess, dogs, make this same mistake. Actually dogs don't use toilets, they don't have that option, but they can be trained to pee on a wee pad and hit the center of the pad EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. A dog. Dogs can do this.


It takes a while to get the hang of using a new device properly. The first time I got a smartphone, I didn't think I'd EVER learn how to use all the bells and whistles on it, but now I can use them all with one hand, in the dark, while drunk or on pills. I can direct other people on how to use them while I'm in another room by saying something like "just push that button that looks like a retarded sunflower." It just takes a while to learn new things. So, perhaps a man has not quite gotten the hang of how to properly use his penis. Maybe he's new. Even at the age range of 20 - 40, a piece of equipment like a penis is a sophisticated device that could, I suppose, take upwards of 55 years to fully master. I encourage people to push on and keep trying. Just use it a little bit every day, this thing that challenges you, and you will get it at some point. Take baby steps. Try to make it spit out semen first, then try helping to make a child with it. Once you've gotten the hang of those things, then try to use it to make your pee pee go into the potty.

That's as far as I've gotten in my investigation and analysis of this matter. It's exhausting. If you read this and feel as though you have something to add, like some sort of clues or insider information, please let me know.