Cody, 25 and Johnny, 27
This year, Global Orgasm Day falls on December 22, a day meant to promote global peace and orgasmic earth-loving and stuff like that. Instead, I accidentally perverted the whole experience by harassing strangers all over town for information far too personal. I've never been rejected so much in the span of a single week, but alas I have found a few brave souls who were willing to let me take their photos and air their dirty laundry. Perhaps their stories will inspire you to go out (read: stay in).
VICE: Hi! Can I interview you about --
Johnny: I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them.
Johnny: Just kidding, Mike Tyson quote.
Speaking of fornication, can you tell me about your best orgasms?
Johnny: Hm, taking all the emotional components out, anyone should be able to get themselves off the best. I'm disturbed by people who don't masturbate.
What are your jerkoff techniques?
Johnny: I like to take my time. I don't like a utilitarian jerk. I'm not overly theatrical either, but I like to really enjoy it. When I was young, I used to fantasize about this girl who lived in my neighborhood. She wasn't attractive at all. I would be jerking off in the living room of my parents' house and I'd imagine her accidentally coming over like, "Can I borrow something?" and walking in on me jerking off. And then I'd be like, "Yeah, what?" and show it off. The idea of that was sexy.
What about you, Cody? How do you get off by yourself?
Cody: In all sorts of ways. I have a better imagination than most guys.
What was your most impressive wank sesh?
Cody: I was in high school Spanish class and I sat in the very front row, surrounded by girls. I guess I got so horny in class one day, I used my pocket to do it. With slight stimulation from the pocket and extreme mental stimulation, I was able to pull it off. I came. And then I gave a presentation right afterwards.
WHAT? That's next level shit.
VICE: Tell me about your best orgasms.
Oh, that's hard. I always have great orgasms. In fact, I get multiple orgasms in one session.
Would you say that's because you have amazing techniques?
I think it's all about the mental state, and it definitely depends on who you're having sex with.
Is there something you do in particular that works every time?
Let's just say this: I use the wall.
This guy actually came up to me in a bar and was all like, "Hey girl, you seem bored. You look like you could use some entertainment." Now, normally I would ignore shit like that but I jumped at the chance…
VICE: Yes, you can entertain me by telling me about your best orgasm!
My best? I have so much sex, it's retarded.
Can you tell me about one outstanding instance? Maybe the craziest sex story?
Yes. When I was 18, I went to a strip club in the Bronx. One of the strippers took me home and man-handled me. She told me what to do to her--eat her out, fuck her from the back, do her from all different angles.
Wow, was it your first time?
No, but she made me the man I am today.
What happened after that? You guys parted ways?
Yeah, but it was a weekend-long fiesta. It wasn't a one-night stand, it was a weekend stand. We went to her house, the hotel, wherever--it was non-stop till Sunday.
VICE: How do you plan on spending Global Orgasm day?
I'll probably be painting.
Oh. What was your best orgasm, then?
I get orgasms from painting.
Like right now, huh? I see. What is it about painting that gets you off?
I think it's such a sensual activity. And it can be erotic too--especially depending on the subject of your painting!
VICE: When's the last time you had a really great orgasm?
I guess it's always good, especially when you're with that special someone.
Any crazy sex tales?
Yeah. One time, I was at a party and this guy I used to like was there. We started hooking up on a rooftop and I threw up all over his dick.
Gross! Were you giving him head?
No, I was just really drunk.
That sounds far from your best orgasm.
Yeah, you're right. But I'm kind of proud of that moment. The guy and I hung out a few times afterwards but we never resumed what we started that night.
VICE: I just saw you leave the Museum of Sex. Would you mind telling me about your best orgasm?
Girlfriend [not pictured]: Yeah, I'd like to know too. Ehem.
Girlfriend: We haven't… done it yet.
In that case, what do you do in your alone time, Pedro?
Girlfriend: He has this J-Lo poster by his bed.
So you get off to J-Lo?
Pedro: Yeah, I admire her.
Girlfriend: But my photo is better, right?
Pedro: Um, yeah.
VICE: What was your best sexperience?
I guess a year ago, when it happened in a car.
What was so good about it?
I don't know, I guess it was unexpected! Also, it was with my boyfriend at the time, whom I haven't seen for a long time. It was just really thrilling.
I decided to include my roommate in the mix because our very first Christmas together, this ho thought it would be funny to get me a vibrator and see the expression on my face as I opened it in front of everybody. She also did some unspeakable things on the staircase of our apartment building, which I walk on every day.
VICE: So, you had sex on our staircase the first week we moved in. What the fuck, mate? What if our neighbor walked out and caught you?
Yeah, I had to christen our new apartment somehow. Plus, doing it not in bed is always fun and can heighten the orgasm. I still suspect that our elderly neighbor secretly knows and thus cannot look me in the eyes.
What other crazy places have you done it?
I lost my virginity in my high school's football field under the big dipper constellation. Unfortunately my partner was not a big dipper.
Wow Liz. Can you recall one especially great time in or out of bed?
My best orgasm was with this well endowed, wild haired Jewish guy I had been lusting after for years in Santa Cruz's redwood forest. Actually it was one week of nonstop best orgasms. I was pretty much insatiable at that stage. So yeah, either that or my best orgasms occur by myself every night.
I am never walking into your room unannounced again.
You never caught me!
No, but I have seen other things.
Edward, 87 and Neil, 80
VICE: Hello, may I interview you for VICE Magazine?
Neil: What's VICE?
Edward: You don't know VICE? It's a really cool magazine. You should read it. What's your question, honey?
Could you guys recall your best orgasms?
Neil: Oh, it's been far too long!
Edward: I know I'm 87 years old but I believe my best orgasm is yet to come!