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Dear Diplo, Delete Our Number from Your BlackBerry and Don’t Call Again

An open letter to the DJ/producer in which we break it off.

Dear Wes—no! Let's keep things formal. Hi, Diplodocus. It's THUMP here.

Alas, it's been such a long time since those lazy days in Florida. But you know what they say… you can take the boy out of the Panhandle State, but you can't take the Daytona Beach spring breaker out of the boy. At least that's how you've been acting lately.

Yes, we're talking about Taylor Swift and your comments about her booty (or alleged lack thereof). To paraphrase Lorde, people with small body parts should not throw shade at the sizes of others.

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So here's a golden rule: don't say shit about any woman's booty unless she has asked you. That request can be direct (i.e. "Hey Diplo, what do you think of my glutes?") or indirect (#BreakTheInternet), but being a white DJ with a twerking fetish does not constitute invitation.

We don't always agree with Taylor Swift. She's norm without the core. She writes songs, drinks Diet Coke and shops at Target, all while keeping her clothes on and pretending to be the ambassador of New York City. It's not terribly exciting but there's nothing wrong with it either.

Now, Wes, before you go crying on Redfoo's shoulder, you should know this isn't easy for us. We like you. We're obsessed with your genre-defying work with K-Pop star CL and wish we'd stalked you on Hollerboard more back in the day. We appreciate your candor about the scene and we can't wait to hear what you did with Madonna. We totally believe you deserve more credit for "Pon de Floor" than either Afrojack or Switch (don't tell them we said that). We loved that song in 2009 and again when it became a Beyoncé tune in 2011 and still dropped to the floor to dagger with strangers when you played it during your festival sets well into 2013. That's how much we like you, Wes. It should go without saying that we like it when you take your shirt off—and we wouldn't say that to David Guetta.

But dude, even those perfectly chiseled, glistening beefcake pecs-a-flexin' can't save you from being a downer sometimes.

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This summer, you came for the kandi kids hard and then told a fib about working with DanceSafe. Maybe it wasn't a lie so much as a case of you being misinformed by someone on your team. Either way, it wasn't a good look. (It would've been cool if you'd laughed along with us about certain things, but we digress.)

And it's not like this Taylor thing is the first time you've been shady to a lady in the media. We're talking about M.I.A., who you slagged off in the press after dating and making each other superstars. We get that it's probably a case of one order of truffle fries calling the other order of truffle fries umami, but save that talk for your BlackBerry Messenger group chats, dude.

But back to Taylor. While we don't really care about the size of your body parts (yes, yes we do), Lorde does bring up a valid point. We know you and the Kiwi queen of postcode egalitarianism have some sort of unspoken bond through Hunger Games soundtracks, so for her to call you out must have taken the strength of Katniss in a Quarter Quell. Or maybe she just remembered that time you sexted the world from your toilet.

As one celebrity expert said to us, "anyone thirsty enough for attention to post a dick pic on the internet would likely get tied up in some teenage girl internet drama." What's worse, Wes, is that this is the kind of teenage drama where a senior guy picks on some freshman cheerleader only for her goth BFF to kick him in the nuts. It's a little Mean Girls meets To Catch A Predator, if you catch our drift.

We're not even worried about Taylor. We're 100% certain that she's going to shake it off and write a song about you for her 2016 album. But when you talk shit about a woman's body, you make it ok for your fanboys to talk shit about women's bodies. Case in point, the random white dude who started the campaign which you supported. We get it, Baby Daddy. You like butts.

This is all correctable. Like a 2009 Kanye, you owe Taylor Swift an apology. And like a 2014 Kim Kardashian West, you need to use your BlackBerry to send one. Maybe run your booty-shaming jokes past Kiesza, Robyn, Gwen, Sia, Marina, Katy or Madge next time. Remember: you can be the bro you want to see in the world and respect women at the same time.

If you come to your senses, you have our BBM Pin.