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Girl Eats Food - Anti-Riot Battered Sausage

The battered sausage is as sturdy a totem of Britain as Churchill's erection glazed in Marmite.

To me, national pride is best represented by reconstituted, unspecific meat products and salt. Some of our classic English dishes, like jellied eels, haven't stood the test of time because they taste like rotting cat food, but the battered sausage is as sturdy a totem of Britain as Churchill’s erection glazed in Marmite. It’s also one of the few meals you can beat a looter with.

Battered Sausage and Mushy Peas


Let’s be honest, unless you’re a TV chef who takes joy in making staple meals unaffordable, you’ve only eaten battered sausages when you’re so wasted a kebab seems too complex. However, they’re actually dangerously easy to cook up in the depravity of your own home. Throw in a side of traditional mushy peas for dipping and you’re basically saving British society one bite at a time.


Worryingly cheap sausages… none of that Cumberland shit
1 x lump of plain flour
1 x tsp baking powder
1 x splash of milk and lager
Lots x salt
Tinned peas
1 x knob of butter
4 or 5 x tablespoons of double cream

Step 1

Roll your poisonous links in flour to start, then flash fry. They’re probably made from scraps of pig perineum, so you want to double fry them to make damn sure they’re cooked through.

Step 2

Remember that trick we learned with batter and fizzy pop? Well, this time we're going to use adult fizzy pop.

Step 3

Dip your belly bomb into the swill.

Step 4

Fry! Leave them cooking till they look as thoroughly unhealthy as mine and leave to cool.

Step 5

Meanwhile you can be tackling the pea mucus. I’m using tinned peas. If you can find cheaper vegetables with less nutritional value, use those.

Dump the peas in with your cream and butter, then “mush” it. You know, like a mush pit.

There you have it, a serving of Great Britain on a plate. For a truly authentic experience, pack it up and consume in a restaurant in Spain.




Previously: Ube Cake