Jason's Stuff - Mr Zog's Beach Towel

I like stuff. Stuff is great. Free stuff is even better.

The noun “stuff” is good, too. I like to substitute it for the word “love” in songs: “What’s Love Got to do with it?” by Tina Turner becomes “What’s Stuff Got To Do With It?” Billy Idol’s “Cradle of Love,” is “Cradle of Stuff”. Then there’s “Stuff Will Tear Us Apart”, “Stuff Shack”, “I Want Your Stuff”, “The Power of Stuff”, “All You Need is Stuff”, etc. That’s how I pass the time when I’m not reviewing stuff - free stuff that I get for free.

Today’s stuff comes to us from our very good friends at Mr. Zogs Sex Wax, and it’s a towel. Towels are good for a variety of reasons: they dry water from your body so you don’t prune; they’re good to lie on at the beach; they mop up the fluid produced by coitus. Once, when I was about 13, I came home from school and my mother asked if we could have a little chat. She sat me down at the kitchen table and looked down at her hands. “A lot of towels have been going missing.” She said.

I stared back at her, blank-faced. She continued. “A lot of towels have gone missing, and I couldn’t think of where they’d be. I looked all over the house for them, and then I found them – eight of them – in your room.” I played dumb, but I knew exactly what she was talking about; she was talking about the semen-encrusted towel cemetery I had hidden under my bed. I raised an eyebrow, “Really? Eight?” Yes indeed, she said; eight towels. I appeared astonished. “Well, I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, I knew I’d kicked a towel or two under the bed, but…” “Well,” she said, cutting off what was sure to be a really pathetic excuse about being busy with school and losing track of how many towels I’d been using, “I don’t mind that you have a couple of towels in your room at a time; just not eight.” Then she gave me a look that said, stop wanking on all the towels, you dirty little bastard, and we left it at that.

The Mr. Zogs Sex Wax beach towel is navy and white, 100% cotton, and a generous 70 by 37 inches. It is a very nice towel, thick and luxurious. It feels wonderful against your skin. It’s the kind of towel you might swaddle yourself in after a swim at the beach. Perhaps you’re standing and sniffing away seawater, staring out at the ocean; your girlfriend – in a floppy sunhat and bikini – reads a paperback and eats grapes. “Don’t drip water on me, Honey.” She smiles up at you, and you smile back.

Eventually you and your girlfriend collect your belongings, careful to shake out the sand, and flip-flop it back to the hotel. At the hotel you have a shower together to wash off the salt and sand, and maybe she lets you wash her boobs from behind. You have sex and then pass out on the big soft hotel bed for an hour, then wake, get dressed, and walk hand-in-hand beneath a chorus of night crickets and the hush of distant surf, to a restaurant for an ice cold beer and a lobster burger. And then back to the hotel room for more lovemaking, followed by a dreamless, coma-like sleep. These are the best years of your life, you’re certain. There is only one problem: the Mr. Zogs Sex Wax towel has the word “SEX” printed on it in big letters, meaning it’s absolutely begging to be hosed down with cum and kicked under a bed. It’s like a red flag to a bull. It’ll never make it to the beach.

Still, it’s a very nice towel. Thanks Mr. Zogs!

You can buy a towel like Jason's, here.

Do you have stuff that you’d like some stuff said about? Email Jason at jason@wooooomag.com and he’ll look at your stuff.