A Bunch of Things The Eurovision Taught Us

Eurovision Song Contest is one of the longest running televised competitions in the world, viewed by anywhere from 100 to 600 million people every year. The contest is notorious for being extremely lavish and over the top - expensive arenas, gaudy stages, and essentially a bunch of reality stars dressed up in tacky gowns and suits. While it’s generally regarded as ridiculous, it also seems to bring out the best in people when it comes to acceptance and downright applause for all things strange and tasteless. Over 35 countries compete every year by submitting one song for the chance to host the event the following year, a prize which will cost them not a penny less than 15 million euro. Last year, Denmark won with the song ‘Only Teardrops’, which means this year we got the chance to experience all of the grandeur that is Eurovision first hand, and oh, the things we’ve learned.

LOCATION IS EVERYTHING

One major downfall of this year’s whole operation is the actual location. Some countries, specifically Azerbaijan, spent a mind boggling 100 million euros building a gorgeous new arena for the event in 2012. Denmark considered it, but then thought, “Fuck it, we have a perfectly good warehouse, let’s just put it there.” This warehouse lies on what they are now calling “Eurovision Island,” formerly Refshaleøen. The pretty picture that the new name paints of an Ibiza-esque club paradise, littered with celebrities and neon bikinis, couldn’t be further from actuality. What your eyes will feast on for the 20 minute walk from the bus stop to the arena is more along the lines of a desolate wasteland, with dirt roads, iron fences, empty parking lots, and abandoned buildings as far as you can see. If getting to the event was tortuous, nothing could have prepared us for trying to leave the actual grand finale. Hoards of fans and press alike were shoved practically single file into a slow ominous queue for the buses and taxis. As rain poured and we shuffled slowly with our heads down and the hangovers already forming, we looked more like something out of Life is Beautiful than a crowd of happy event goers.

BEING PRESS AT EUROVISION SUCKS

Upon arrival at the Eurovision shed, things don’t start looking up too much. Staff members who are all equally confused by the ordeal shuffle in press through security, with long pauses at any given moment for reasons unknown. Any questions one might have are filtered through several employees before an answer can be given, as it seems no one is told anything upon being hired except which t-shirt to put on and where to stand. According to the jam-packed schedule leading up to the event, the arena should be bustling with journalists and the artists themselves, busy at press conferences and rehearsals. Unfortunately for us, the place was just sort of dead, save for the little stand where they were handing out, the ever perfect combination of free nuts and coffee.  Some reporters were busy typing away surrounded by piles of notes, although on what exactly they were reporting is unclear, as the only questions the contestants were willing to answer are about the inspirations for their “songs.” With two of the leading songs being about cake, I can’t imagine that it’s very thrilling journalism.

SOME FOLKS ACTUALLY LIKE EUROVISION

You can call us elitist all you want, but right off the bat, this was the biggest surprise by far. The die-hard fans proudly wearing their fan-delegation backstage passes around their necks like dog tags from a never ending war of kitsch. All battling each other on the number of events they’ve attended, and especially proud of having been to the Eurovisions off the beaten path: “Azerbaijan really was the most amazing one ever. They built an entire city from scratch you know!”. These wouldn’t-miss-it-for-the-world fans who hang out at the same Euroclub every night, are the backbone of Eurovision. Of course there’s also the ones who grew up without the internet. To them, these televised mega-events harkens back to a simpler time without hashtags and other whatchamacallits. The real victims though, are their children, who are lulled into the Eurovision fever dream on account of their parents. They’ll grow up listening to cake-centered lyrics and end up convinced that Israel and Morocco are part of Europe.

YOU KIND OF ACTUALLY HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO SING TO COMPETE IN ESC

Everybody’s favorite part of any singing competition are the auditions where the countries’ biggest losers congregate to show the world how truly pathetic they are. After that, once it’s whittled down to those who can actually hold a high note, we kind of lose interest. Eurovision on the other hand manages to hold everyone’s attention with the sheer amount of unintentional humour in the lyrics and outfits, but in all honesty; the contestants can truly sing. We saw them perform live on several occasions, often doing up to 5 performances a day with rehearsals, live shows at the cities makeshift EuroVillage, and every evening at the EuroClub, never missing a note. However bad the songs themselves are, they’re no easy soft-voiced indie tunes , these are some straight up power ballads and they’re no joke.

DRAG QUEENS ARE THE UNOFFICIAL MASCOTS OF EUROVISION

As dead as things were around the press area during the week leading up to the event, nothing could have prepared us for the gold, glitter, and glamour that would await us at the after parties. Every night was hosted by one drag queen or another, ranging in the spectrum from “that’s my dad in a dress” to “ why do I even bother wearing makeup in the mornings when there are men out there who are more beautiful than I’ll ever be?” Their energy and excitement was infectious, we found ourselves being coerced into drunken karaoke, singing songs of Eurovisions past, and asking ourselves where we could pick up similar rhinestone encrusted bikinis. While it is indeed exciting that Conchita Wurst won this year’s contest, it’s actually not the first time a cross dresser has attained the title. In 1998, Israel won with the song Diva, performed by Dana International, born Yaron Cohen.

SONG CONTESTS TURN SOME PEOPLE INTO NATIONALIST ASSHOLES

Sure, the whole event is about coming together in spite of our differences, but not all people get that. Some take it as an excuse to go all in right wing fanatic, busting out their countries’ national costumes in celebration of everything that’s wrong with everyone else. They’re the ones who think of Eurovision as some sort of cultural war, still insisting on singing in their mother tongue to preserve their national culture.

EUROVISION IS THE SAME AS TOURING WITH BLUR

So apparently there are a couple of actual musicians in the ESC. Most of the artists gain entry through competing in national reality/talent shows, but a few artists actually have real experience. Case and point is the Icelandic group Pollapönk (meaning Toddler Punk), who are currently making punk music for children. Think of them as a sort of Fætter BR version of The Ramones. These guys all play in other serious bands spanning the competent genres of viking metal and hard rock. A couple of them even toured with Blur back in ’97 with their band Botnleðja, and get this, Blur lifted the iconic “woo-hoo” in “Song 2” from the Icelandic punk band’s song “Þið eruð frábær”. Try and pronounce that if you can.

I don’t know whether competing in Eurovision just sucks the life out of you or what, but when we sat down with them to hear their crazy stories about touring with Blur, lead man Heidar went “It’s the same thing really.” Turns out there weren’t any drugs back then, and there sure as hell aren’t any drugs now. They even somewhat preferred Eurovision, because this way they can tour without having to move around all the time. Punk isn't dead, I guess.

IN THE END, WORLD PEACE BEATS BUTTERY TITS

The bearded cross dresser from Austria, Conchita Wurst, won Eurovision, and frankly, we weren’t surprised. With the shit we saw during the competition, Conchita even came across as being a bit on the conservative side. Regardless, her victory was one of those good-conquers-evil kind of moments (evil being the not entirely pro-homo state of Russia), which made the press room go absolutely mental. It even had fans from Belarus jumping all over the place in ecstasy. No one seemed too upset that the voluptuous Polish , the sort of indie Dutch, and the freaky Russian twins all lost. Rather, everyone came together to celebrate a night Conchita “dedicated to everyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom.”  Although it didn’t quite solve any real geopolitical issues, it did prove a European step toward the acceptance of lifestyles. Even Russia gave Conchita 5 points.

At the very least, Eurovision gave us all a chance to talk about something other than why Solange smacked Jay-Z, and we’re eternally grateful for that.

Follow Danika Maia on Twitter: @danikamaia

Follow Mads Schmidt on Twitter:  @madsfss