Hey Ron! - Roommates Suck

This special Freaky Friday edition of Hey Ron! is about roommates, specifically kicking them out. Today's missive is from a young man who recently got a new job and can now afford to live on his own. Unsurprisingly, our man Ron has the perfect advice.Hey Ron! I got a new roommate about six months ago. She’s actually one of the best roommates I've had, but I recently came into some money and don't want to live with anyone anymore because people kind of suck (including myself, but what am I going to do about that?). The lease is in my name, but my roommate really likes our apartment so kicking her out is going to be tricky. How can I tell her to get beat without hurting her feelings or pissing her off so much she kills me in my sleep? Thanks, Dan Dear Dan, This is easy. You just need to be honest with her. Tell her, “This is nothing personal, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m over having a roommate. There was a time when I needed to split the rent with someone but, to be honest, now that I can afford the rent I’d like you to leave.” Be sure to let her know that it’s nothing she did. Tell her she’s not a bad roommate, but now that you’re financially secure and ready to live alone, she needs to find a new place. I would give her a two-month notice. Then, if she turns into a bitch after you’ve tried to be civil, you need to try another approach. Tell her you’re getting engaged and your fiancé is going to move in. I would say, “Listen, I’ll be kind and give you two months, but I would like you moved out by this date. I’m about to be engaged and I need the room. My girlfriend is to blame. She has a lot of stuff and we’re going to need this room. I’m giving you two months because I know this is short notice. I’m a nice guy and I don’t want any hard feelings between us.” Most people understand that sort of thing and won’t have a problem giving you two your space. I don’t care if you’re not really getting engaged. She won’t know, and it’s not a lie unless you get caught. And that goes for everything—if I killed somebody and didn’t get caught, it never happened. It’s not a foul if the ref doesn’t call it. If the fiancé thing doesn’t work, you’re going to have to get nasty. The lease is in your name, so nobody even knows she’s living there except for you, technically speaking. If you throw her clothes out today and she calls the cops, all they’re going to say is, “Whose name is on the lease?” And that’s it. Game over. Or you could just change the locks. What’s she going to say? She’s not on the lease! But like I said, try to be civil about it first. If she responds negatively when you politely ask her to find a new place, then it’s OK to throw all of her shit out on the street and make her a homeless person. Love, Ron