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Teens in Clown Masks Terrorized a Canadian Town

Check out this bozo.
August 10, 2016, 8:10pm

Scary, right? Photo via Facebook/Caroline Saint-Pierre

Clowns are creepy as all hell. This is a statement that is about as controversial as "water is fine" and "Donald Trump should not have the nuclear codes."

So it's fairly understandable that when two clowns—specifically, two intentionally terrifying-looking clowns as compared to your regular just freaky-looking clowns—entered a park in Gatineau, Quebec it was going to end in white-hot kid tears and a police investigation.

According to the Ottawa Citizen, "at least two" children were scared Monday afternoon and a Facebook photo by a "concerned mother" resulted in "dozens of comments." And yes, also a police investigation. UPDATE: The cops got 'em, folks. It was teens, obviously.

And intently looking at this photo for the last minute or so, here's what we can tell you about the alleged perps, who can't be named but who can be analyzed.

Spooky scary

The first clown is a human teen who wears jeans and red T-shirts. His partner, however, in the full "I'm the cheapest clown for divorced dads to ruin a birthday party with" costume seems to be far more committed to the bit. You just know he or she is the one you don't trust with small animals you like.

But then there's the chain.

You know, I really just want to make fun of helicopter parents and their pants-wetting baby children and teens, but that chain, man.

As a scare tool, a chain is a pretty solid device. There's the implicit threat of violence with that chain. You aren't thinking about hauling a Ford truck out of the mud with Bob Seger singing about the road, man, when you see a clown dragging a chain. You are thinking about John Wayne Gacy, Pennywise, probably something involving a dark basement, and, if you are an FBI agent, Juggalos.

OK, I apologize to the pants-wetting children of Gatineau, Quebec, which is a good town to drink in when you are 18 and don't know better. Your tears were called for, and my bad jokes were not. Science even says that "clowns are universally disliked by children." That clown mask was weaponized.

But since I work for the internet, I must assume that this is some kind of stupid prank for someone's stupid YouTube/Tumblr/art project/pitch to a new media company.

But that chain. Well played, area teen.

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