Surviving Schoolies

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Last week the ABC teamed up with Schoolies do-gooders Red Frog and published a GIF heavy guide on to how to stay safe while trying to touch another 18-year-old boob and/or dick. It’s usually pretty hard to fault the ABC, but at VICE we found the Doom, Zoolander, and New Girl references a little passé, so we thought we’d weigh in with our own 12-step guide to surviving schoolies.

Remember kids there is more to life than genitals and hooch, but there isn’t more to schoolies.

1. A hangover is not something you have to worry about until you’re old and shit (mid-20s).

2. Stay with whoever’s got the stuff.

3. Let fuckin’ anyone into your room, that’s how adventure starts.

4. Stay where you are if your shoes are talking to you. Maybe talk back to them, I don’t know. Keep them happy. 

5. Accept free drinks, particularly from much older and balding men in fly leather jackets. Give these drinks to people who suck.  

6. End up in Guam with a platinum debut smash-hit album to your name.

7. Tell people what they want to hear and maybe they’ll be with you.

8. Alcohol makes you dangerously less aware.

9. Pussy and cock are not food groups but you know, local businesses already make a fortune this time of year and no one local business needs all those sausage rolls. That is in fact fascist.

10. You will probably do one of your friends in a curious and experimental haze. One of your best friends since primary school. The wet musk of their pubic hair smashing against your face is a great idea that will get worse over time but too late now.

11. If everyone seems to having a good time at the same time, that’s bad. Absolutely do not involve yourself in that shit. You’re your own person.

12. You’re now scant year's away from a crippling office job and the pressure of societal expectation to get boring and raise a family and stop doing life. Drink lots of everything.

Toby is a writer from Sydney whose advice shouldn't be listened to by anybody, 18-years-old or otherwise. Follow him on Twitter: @jane_tobes

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