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How to Totally Destroy the Bloody Mary Game Tomorrow Morning

It's almost brunch. Don't fight it. Just make a MUNCHIES-inspired Bloody Mary garnished with bagel bites and an entire soft-shelled crab.

Hell yes, it's Friday. Which means that just around the corner of time is a two-day span of lazing, day-drinking, and reveling in a delightfully irregular eating schedule free of obligatory "office salads" and vending machine garbage.

It's almost brunch. Don't fight it.

Since you'll probably be in a state of insurmountable hangover in the morning, it's best to start prepping your morning (i.e., early afternoon) smorgasbord now. Throw on some music (Action Bronson's "Brunch" probably works) or cue up our Dinner Bell brunch episode with the cast of High Maintenance for background noise, hit the grocery store, and devise your plan of attack.


WATCH: How to Make a Gin-Based Bloody Mary

The most important attribute of any brunch spread is the mighty Bloody Mary, obviously (or the Caesar, if you're one of those crazy Canucks). Prep your Bloody Mary bar—after all, Julia Ziegler-Haynes always knows best, whereas Jim Stockbauer does not—reflect on whether you want to go with vodka or the slightly less conventional choice of gin, and then get ready for the main event: the garnishes.

MAKE IT: DIY Bloody Mary Bar

As we learned from Dave Sobelman—godfather of Milwaukee's insane Bloody Mary garnish tradition—sure, you can start with an olive, a celery stalk, and a lemon wedge. But why limit yourself when you can punctuate your cocktail with a slider, a slice of pizza, or perhaps a whole roasted chicken?

Image courtesy of Dave Sobelman

Image courtesy of Dave Sobelman

Alright, get a kebab skewer. Let's get started.

Start with a couple of homemade pepperoni bagel bites—they've already got a pretty big hole in the center, so skewer them on a Slim Jim or something if the skewer isn't thick enough and they keep sliding down. Next, impale a couple of Fried Shrimp Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, to keep the carbs going. Add half of a Cabbage, Shrimp, and Bacon Egg Roll, and you're starting to look pretty good.

For presentation, you're going to want to add an entire Chili-Citrus Deep-Fried Soft Shell Crab. Don't fear the reaper. Just do it. Top it off with one of Chris Kronner's Beef Sliders or Matty Matheson's Perfect Cheeseburgers, and you're in business.

But seriously, don't forget the celery stalk, an olive or two, and a lemon slice. Repeat for subsequent Bloodys.

Congratulations. You have created a MUNCHIES-inspired Bloody Mary of truly epic proportions.

(But unless you're planning on throwing a whole deep-fried chicken on there, you're still miles behind Dave. Don't worry—everyone is.)