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It Is 2017 and I Insist We Use This New Slang for Crack Cocaine

Five men have been jailed after smuggling crack into the UK disguised as papayas.

Ah, what's this? Just a yam, a lovely yam. Just a lovely yam to take home to mash and accompany with a stew. Just a lovel—

Bang. No. Wrong. You fool. You yam fool. This is drugs, my friend. Cannabis drugs. Weed. Bifta. Mary Jane. Snoop's Breakfast. Purple Dank. Fragrant Grass. Whizz. Whizzer. McConaughey's Folly. The Smoking Drug. A little bit of the ol' Toking Tobacco. Seth Rogen's Writing Partner. The Buddha Stick. Chiba. Chiba-chiba. Jive. Hashish. The Doob, the Doobie. The Dube. Dion Dublin's Drumming Cube. Colombian Skank. Heavy Foliage. The Lion's Roar. Ganj, Ganja. And, finally, some hip new slang for the year 2k17: fancy island mix.


We should roll this back so I start making sense: five men – including an electrician, a decorator and "a company CEO", it says here – were jailed this week for a combined 38 years after being caught smuggling cannabis and crack cocaine from Jamaica to the UK. But to smuggle the phat bong budz and lovely little crack rocks, what they did is – and get this – disguised it all as yams and papaya.

I'll let the Evening Standard take it from here for a bit:

Crack cocaine was dyed orange to look like pieces of dried papaya and cannabis was hidden in fake yams from Jamaica during the massive smuggling outfit.

I mean: look me in the eye and tell me we are not working with geniuses, here.

Five men – including a painter and decorator, electrician and recording studio owner – were jailed for a total of more than 38 years after being busted in a big police operation.

Police seized boxes containing bags of dried fruit labelled "fancy island mix" – but found they contained two kilograms of rocks of crack cocaine which had been coloured orange to look like papaya.

This, in my opinion, is where the pinnacle of human innovation is: in electricians, and decorators, and heads of music studios, all coming together to disguise a big block of cannabis as a yam so none of the authorities notice it being smuggled into the country. It's sort of how pornography is always at the cutting edge of new technology, because of mankind's insatiable tit-and-ball lust pushing us to ever-increasing entertainment boundaries.


Would you buy a home VR set so you can see Russell Crowe vividly kick someone in the head on it? No. Would you buy a home VR set so you can see a someone being thoroughly boned through it? Absolutely yes – it's the kind of thing that won the war between HD-DVD and Blu-ray. This is what spurs us on: how to be the muckiest, horniest, druggiest little gremlins we can be.

How will human ingenuity progress us to the next stage of evolution: from space exploration, from cell regeneration science? No. It'll be by smuggling alarming amounts of street drugs past the sharp eyes and dog noses of the border police. The first step in mankind's quest for time travel, a cancer cure, infinitely long life: it starts here. It starts with a fruit box box full of hash. It starts with ideas.


More stuff about smuggling drugs:

It Turns Out Shoving Kinder Eggs Full of Heroin Up Your Bum Is a Bad Idea

How People Smuggled Drugs Into This Summer's Music Festivals

A Guy in Swindon Used His Dick to Hide Seven Grams of Cocaine from the Police