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Sex

We Rated the Sexiness of Politicians' Sexts So You Don't Have To

Politicians just shouldn't sext because they suck at sexy. But how MUCH do they suck, really?
September 7, 2016, 12:00am

One of Anthony Weiner's sexts from 2013. Screengrab via YouTube.

On this long, winding journey we call life, it's nice to stop and appreciate the little things. Slipping into crisp, freshly washed sheets. Walking along an empty beach at sunset. Pouring yourself a glass of wine that costs more than $10 a bottle, and diving into the very intimate text exchange from the latest politician sex scandal. Simple pleasures.

On Tuesday, former New Zealand Conservative Party leader Colin Craig's alleged sexts were heard in court as evidence in his defamation trial. Back in 2014, Craig was accused of sexual harassment by his press secretary, Rachel MacGregor. A mutual confidentiality agreement meant we never saw the Craig-MacGregor exchange, until now. Stuff.co.nz called the texts "steamy." What they really reveal, though, is a guy who vastly overestimates his skill at wooing women.

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But Craig isn't the only politician who's awkwardly tried to sext his way into a little side-action. And every time they get caught one thing becomes very clear, politicians (surprise, surprise) all kind of suck at sexy. But how much do they suck, really? For your viewing pleasure, we've calculated the hotness of some of the world's biggest political sex scandals.

So crack that Syrah, slither into fresh flannelettes, and enjoy.

Col, you crazy cat. Screengrab via YouTube.

Colin Craig, Conservative Party Leader
New Zealand

"I slept well because I dreamed that I was between your naked legs"

First of all, no one really cares about other people's dreams. They're boring as fuck. How does one respond to this? "Oh cool, glad to hear it!" "Dreams huh? Have a great day!" There's no sexy reply here—you've backed her into a corner.

Secondly, and maybe this is just me, but the whole "between naked legs" thing just conjures up images of painful childbirth—something that's less of a stretch for Craig, who shouldn't be sexting anything with a Labour connotation.

"If I there were two of me, I would marry you."

Talking about marriage, sexting while married does absolutely nothing to get anybody hot and bothered. Also THERE AREN'T TWO OF YOU COLIN. Get out of here with your preposterous, physically impossible proposals.

Verdict: Totally sub-par sauciness, some points for incorporating the word "naked."

3/10

Peter Dowling, red wine in hand. Screengrab via YouTube.

Peter Dowling, Liberal National Party MP
Australia

[There are no text quotes, Dowling literally just sent a picture of his penis in a glass red wine]

Have you ever spilt red wine on yourself? The way the fruity stickiness clings to your skin, how easily it stains your lips. Now imagine dipping your manhood in it. Imagine the smell, the splash, the maroony-purple colour. Peter, you're literally begging to become a meme: "Cocktail taken to the next level, fam [multiple crying laughing face emojis]."

This is the kind of thing that commerce freshers think is funny to put in their snapstory for one second—it's undoubtedly NOT sexy. Take your penis out of that poor glass Pete and take a cold shower. Or a hot one. Whatever it takes to wash off the shame.

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Verdict: Almost became an internet sensation, but instead just a sad middle aged man with his dick in a glass of wine.

1/10

One of the more PG pics Weiner sent to his sext-mate. Screengrab via YouTube.

Anthony Weiner, former Congressman
USA

"Id [sic] put someone's eye out with this thing. #Overdue."

It's clear from this message (accompanied, of course, by a dick pic) that Anthony Weiner obviously very much rates his… weiner… but as any woman could've told you congressman, penis-eye interaction has very little appeal. At best, it incites an involuntary cringe.

Look, Weiner is obviously trying to appeal to the millennials, with the #hashtag and everything but, honestly dude, the un-ironic use shows a clear lack of cool.

"Sleeping alone? Asking for a friend? That was a fib."

While he may have started off on bad note, Weiner is coming in hot with the banter here. I like the "asking for a friend" because it is obviously not true as Weiner is clearly asking for himself and that is funny and funny is SEXY. However, backing away from the joke, using the word "fib" loses points.

"I did not sleep well . . . Horny as f–k."

Horny is just the grossest word. Ever. Guys, please don't use it.

Verdict: Even though Ant is clearly putting in the graft with the ellipsis and the #bantz, he's clearly desperate AF and that does not turn anyone on. Please keep your penis away from people's eyes. Please don't sext photos of your "package" when your last name is Weiner.

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0/10

Stephen Crabb, Work and Pensions Secretary
UK

[Crabb tells a woman he wants to kiss her] "everywhere."

This is good stuff, Steve! Clear, to the point, kinda normal but with a whole lot of R-rated implication without being overly explicit. I'll take it. Do I want to reply immediately? Possibly. Do I want to send a sexy pic in response? Not really. Work a little bit harder, Steve, there's always room for improvement.

"Most MPs are risk-takers to one degree or another. Usually in the areas of money, sex, political opportunism. Add in the adrenalin, the attention u get, and the time away from family… toxic mix."

Now this is a very Liam Neeson-esque monologue and we all know that Liam makes for a sexy father figures. The "u" suggests he's down with the youth of today. He doesn't need proper grammar because he's easy breezy like that. He's fun and he doesn't waste any time. Nice.

I'm also a fan of the ellipses, used occasionally… It's sinister, mysterious, and somehow makes me feel like time is running out. Including the words "risk," "money," and "adrenalin" is also pretty sexy stuff. I like it, Steve, I like it.

Verdict: Text me later.

7/10

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