The Queen Isn’t Dead; Long Live the Queen

This article originally appeared on VICE UK.

People thought the Queen was dead this morning, but she wasn't dead. So, takeaway news story here: The Queen, a healthy if ancient woman, is not dead. You're thinking: This isn't news, is it? I mean, technically, you could run this story every single day of the year, and twice on slow news days. Correct. I mean we could just run a list of people who are not currently dead. Actually:

Example: somehow Bam Margera is still not dead. Neither is Sue Pollard. Mark Lawrenson is not, currently, dead. Death is inevitable—death will catch up with Mark Lawrenson in the end, and you feel he will embrace it with more peace than most, for he is Lawro: technically the most tortured man alive, a man not present in the heaven of Earth but instead trapped in a purgatory of his own making, repeatedly guessing the weekend's football results incorrectly and being outperformed by the West End cast of Cats—but he is not yet dead.

Anyway, everyone thought the Queen was dead this morning because a BBC journalist tweeted that the Queen was in hospital. Not specifically dead: just in hospital. Maybe she was getting a carbuncle looked at. But we never think that, do we? We instantly text our mums—there is cachet in telling our mums about celebrities dying before anyone else does, a very modern form of love—and we tell them, "QUEEN IN HOSPITAL. PRINCE CHARLES MUST HAVE THE CHAMPAGNE OUT! CAN YOU DO SOME LAUNDRY FOR ME IF I SEND A BAG BACK IN THE CAR WITH DAD?" Your mum texts it on to her friends—there is cachet among mums in knowing a celebrity has died before anyone else—and lo, a flurry of "RIP" messages get pecked into old Nokias by boney, bloodthirsty mum-hands, and even before CNN has got hold of the story your gran has lit a candle and got an old plate out that she bought on the day of the Queen's Coronation.

But text your mum the words "FALSE ALARM." Text your mum the words "LAUNDRY STILL NEEDS DOING THOUGH x." For the Queen is not dead. The BBC journalist responsible, Ahmen Khawaja, said it was all just a fun prank.

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There is a bloodthirst to our culture, though, isn't there? There is revelry in a public death. The BBC has since issued a statement explaining it was obituary rehearsal training day, but despite the rumor being baseless there was a boom-bust news cycle, a racing "Is it? HAS PALACE CONFIRMED?" breathlessness followed by a heavy sort of "Ahh, nah it's not real" sigh of people learning the Queen was still alive. Because it would detonate a slow Wednesday, wouldn't it? Prince Charles on TV, his face trapped somewhere between excitement and sorrow, talking about how we've lost an icon. Channel 4 refusing to play comedy for ten weeks. If the Queen dies now, we will get a bank holiday for both her funeral and the resulting Charles coronation. What a summer that would be. And then there's all the social media faux digi-grief: everyone saying what precious memories they have of her. ("She jumped out of that helicopter one time! Queen is bae!") It would, if nothing else, be something to talk about.

But she's not, and neither is Mark Lawrenson, so carry on with your day, I guess.

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