Ben Johnson

  • Help! I’ve Been Trolled!

    My heart is blackened, full of rage, and it is pacing, staring out of my rib cage with vengeance-lit eyes like a newly captured tiger. I want blood. Because I read something stupid. Something has to be done.

  • I Might Have Horrible Taste in Music

    Normal human beings don’t do things like investigate the feminist implications of Rihanna just because. Normal human beings hear “Titanium” and either go “oh good” or “change it,” and that decision happens in less than three seconds, and that’s more...

  • Your Scene Is Cashed

    All this work and striving and grief is background to a “thing on the internet that rifled around the world and was forgotten forever in a matter of hours,” which is EVERYTHING FROM NOW ON.

  • On the Good Ship Lollipoop

    Media coverage of the Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph’s recent ill-fated voyage, which ended in sewage-logged ignominy in Mobile, Alabama last week, says a lot about America’s state of mind.

  • The Nationals Are a Real Baseball Team Now, a Homeless Guy Said So

    The Washington Nationals are 100 percent for real. They exist. They are good. How good? Even homeless people in ass-backwards Chicago know about them.

  • The Monopoly-Brand Monopoly Cat Is Coming For Your Eyeballs

    The makers of Monopoly switched out the iron with a cat and it made us have an emotional breakdown. Anyhow, there’s a new piece on the Monopoly board, and it’s a kitty cat. Goodbye, Iron, hello, Kitty Cat. Tell your friends. Tweet to the world. Go nuts...