If you already have a hard time shopping for your friends and family when the holidays roll around, let alone when you leave things until the last minute, then we’re betting you’ve got no clue what to buy for the biggest, preternaturally athletic, and frankly pickiest people on your list—elite NBA players.
Don’t panic. Here’s a list of gifts tailored according to taste and insider intel, from rookie to MVP, that are sure to slam dunk their way from under the tree and into your favorite guy’s heart.
The role of introductory narrator in a production of A Tale of Two Cities, which he has clearly been obsessively practicing for. “It was the best of the best, best on both sides, of the best of times,” etc.
Maybe a realtor? To help find him and his favorite memory foam circle couch thing a home?
The league’s very first, performance rated, velvet jersey.
An agent, already!
Shares in IHOP.
An internship at NASA.
There’s only one body-bettering arena and it’s requisite mini-economy in which James has yet to enter, and that’s skincare. Can you imagine the windfall if LeBron made the phrase “skincare routine” and its related ritualism familiar to the male NBA audience? For a gift, why not give a soft initiation to this constantly expanding universe with some experimental Hollywood spa treatments? The tapioca plunge, the blue-green algae bloom, the material on the outside of a basketball skin exfoliation—all great options.
A long, long, long pair of custom long johns that he can spend his recovery in, keeping his ACL toasty and the rest of him clad in garish orange waffle knit from head to toe.
Extremely polarized sunglasses to protect his beautiful eyes!!
A matching set of durable luggage because the poor guy seems like he’s really going to be on the move this season.
What every Canadian boy wishes for! A GT Snow Racer.
An exquisitely tailored pair of pants that remind him of his time on the Amalfi coast, and an Amalfi coat to match.
A big plant!
Another shrimp to toss on the barbie! And for you to relax on these tired Australian tropes for once in your I am totally just kidding.
Those hulk gloves that were popular a few years ago for him to wear during games since he seems so intent to tear off the limbs of his enemies. This way his need for great ferocity is appeased (there are built-in sound effects for when he chops a wrist, arm, neck) and everyone’s starting five stays intact until at least the All-Star break when he gets bored of them.
A new thumb.
A new keyboard.
For Toronto fans to erect not a statue, nay, but a shrine in which to worship the one Butt that truly will never, not ever, quit—his.
A BOOGIE board.
A tree ornament of a beautiful, gilded mirror that he will continually catch his own reflection in. It comes in a simple, straightforward box with a note tucked inside that says: “Now you can always see what I saw: a winner, someone who wins, someone who practices as hard as I tell them to. A winner means you win and listen to me, the winner, Jimmy Butler.”
It’s signed "Anonymous."
A measuring tape because he likes to check every day if he’s grown.
A basketball shaped (and sized) bath bomb from the LeBron James spa collection.
Miles, Mason, and Marshall Plumlee
The whereabouts of their long lost brother, Edward.
An authentic gold record in a frame with a tasteful plaque that reads: “MoBamba Number 5.”
A partridge in a pear tree to feed to his snakes, Jade and Jon Snow.
For Ben Affleck to leave him alone.
An extremely sensual night of poetry.
A replacement Finnish sauna bucket and ladle for his old one that got waterlogged when the cleaning crew at the United Center used it for mopping up Disney On Ice by mistake.
Bushel of sugar beets and Spanish sweet onions—both, the pride of the state of Utah—to welcome the long travelled son back home.
For the man who stands to gain $170 million, why not put that money to work for him? Why not help John Wall obtain the New York Knicks.
A pair of lightweight slip-ons to easily remove and flail without restraint at any who dare attempt a drive to his basket.
A regulation freighter foghorn he can mount in his bedroom to blast wistfully, forcefully, every morning to remind him of his old home on Venice Beach.
A San Antonio skyline rendered out of gingerbread that he can crush again and again then dunk in his Tim Horton’s signature French vanilla coffee.
A full-length mirror that finally captures the vast entirety of him. It’s hard for him to see his full ‘fit!
A real version of the motorcycle he got to sit on during the filming of the Prince City Edition jerseys promo. The one they gave him after the shoot was an e-bike and they know it.
Little known fact: Bogdan is an eggnog FIEND. Get him a 2 liter jug and, buddy, you’re the real Yuletide MVP.
Little known fact: Bojan is deathly afraid of eggs! Put them in a drink and serve it to him festively and, buddy, you’re the real Yuletide log.
This article originally appeared on VICE Sports US.