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Naps, Ranked

The 12 most memorable types of naps.

by VICE Staff
May 28 2018, 5:11pm

Images via shutterstock/wikipedia commons 

It’s Monday morning and already I could use a nap. On one hand, yes we just had a full two days off work, on the other, it’s summer and that means many of us spent those 48 hours boozing in the sun and are now completely exhausted and potentially suffering from the dreaded two-day hangover (if you are over 25, you’ll understand this phenomenon.) Unless you’re a toddler, napping is something you tend to appreciate more with age for obvious reasons—your body is slower and shittier, and you need more rest. Not all naps are equal though. Yesterday, I took the risky move of napping on my bed, which turned into a 12-hour sleep. Other times, all you need is an hour on the couch in the middle of the day to recharge your batteries. One of the best things about napping is you can do it anywhere—even work (I’ve done it in a toilet stall). Here’s our top-12 ranking of our most memorable types of naps:

12. Blackout Nap You Don't Remember Taking Until You Wake Up
Wait, weren’t you supposed to go to karaoke? Surprise! Your pre-drinking turned into it’s-time-to-stop drinking as your friends explain they had to peel you off the bathroom floor and wrap you in a blanket for the night. Take advantage of the plastic bucket that’s now conveniently at your feet.

11. Pre-Show Nap That Becomes a Missed-The-Show Nap
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, you got these tickets six months ago! Idiot! They’re your favourite band! You feel godawful as your friends’ Instagram Stories prove just how much fun they had without you, but on the bright side, ten hours of sleep is a welcome change for the body you’ve been punishing at endless club nights— almost enough to balance out the guilt.

10. Unexpected Studying Nap and Now It’s Morning and the Test Is in an Hour
Lol, you’re fucked. Why did you decide to take a microeconomics course in the first place, though?

9. Office Couch Nap
What’s better than being blissfully unconscious? Getting paid for being blissfully unconscious, obviously. Admittedly this is a power move if your boss has a clear view of said couch, but if you can pull it off without getting fired you’ll feel at least four kinds of refreshed. Do not let the jealous looks from colleagues stop you.

8. The Napping While You Are Annie Lennox Nap
Sweet dreams are made of these.

7. When You Just Want to Party but It's Too Early to Party so You Just Sleep Until It’s Time to Party Nap
Get a job.

6. The I’m Just Going to Close My Eyes During This Super-Slow Art Film Nap
Sure, it’s subtitled. But 90 minutes into the three-hour runtime you’re almost certain you can now understand German perfectly so you’ll totally be able to follow along as you doze. Either that or you’ll be able to dream in German.

5. Plane Nap
Pro: You can time travel from takeoff to landing.

Cons: Your neck muscles are fucked and you drooled all over a stranger.

4. Beach Nap
If going all the way home isn’t an option, and there’s a public waterfront where people sunbathe at your disposal, this is a perfect compromise. Nobody is going to bother you and your friend if you put out a blanket and catch some early afternoon zzzs. Just make sure you apply sunscreen.

3. Car Ride Nap
See above but also include “piss off the driver” into the con list.

2. Hot Summer Day and You Finally Found Somewhere Cold Nap
Why the hell would you watch the latest Seth MacFarlane debacle if you could instead fall asleep in a nice temperature controlled cinema. This needs to happen because you work at a media company you can’t afford an air conditioner so the gorgeous movie theatre AC will promptly bring your body temperature down to a level it hasn’t seen since spring. This is best done at a shitty movie.

1. Hammock Nap
This, if done right, is the pinnacle of napping. You’re outside on a beautiful day with, hopefully, a drink in your hand and a light breeze in the air—you can’t fuck this one up. These types aren’t particularly planned, they just happen, one minute you’re swaying in the wind two feet over the ground and the next you’re snoozing. Here you’ve reached euphoria.

However, that will all be ruined when some CHUD comes and flips you out of the hammock because they’re either A) one of your siblings or B) your douchey friend Chad. Fucking Chad, man… fucking Chad.

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