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Royal Babies, Ranked from 'Worst' to 'We Renounce Democracy; Be Our King'

A definitive ranking of all the tiny royal relatives, based on basically nothing.

by River Donaghey
May 6 2019, 6:34pm

Original image via DANIEL LEAL-OLIVAS/AFP/Getty Images

Back in the late 70s—the 1770s—a group of brilliant and pretty disgusting men fought and died and eventually won the right to our nation's independence. They shook off the shackles of the British Empire, gave the finger to the tyranny of kings and queens, and collectively dreamed up the greatest democratic society the modern world had ever seen. But apparently, you can take the people out of the monarchy but you can't, uh, take the monarchy out of the people, because here we are, nearly 250 years later, watching family members fight over the Iron Throne and obsessing over the Prince of England's new royal spawn.

On Monday, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle had their first baby boy, a seven-pound, three-ounce little bundle of joy and genetics that somehow make it suitable for rule according to some archaic concepts of power, and everyone is extremely excited for the thing. The little guy may be Harry and Meghan's only kid, but he's far from the first royal baby—there are currently eight different royal tykes out there. And with this growing list of noble kids comes an important question: Which one is better?

In honor of Harry and Meghan's new baby, we've pored over every relevant fact, figure, and Wikipedia page to bring you a definitive ranking of all the tiny royal relatives, from "lame" to "fine" to "please be America's king, we give up on democracy, seriously, we love you."

Are you ready? Let's begin!

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RICHARD POHLE/AFP/Getty Images

8. Prince George

Age: Five
Parents: Prince William and Kate Middleton
Number of People Who Have to Die Before He Becomes King: Two

George is the first-born son of Prince William and Kate, and is third in line for the throne behind his dad and his grandfather, Prince Charles. Sure, he may look cute and precocious and all, but let's be real: any five-year-old who knows he is destined to be king of England is probably super annoying.

Sure, you're the eventual heir to the throne thanks to an antiquated and outmoded monarchy that is mostly for show and doesn't designate you any real power save for seemingly unending tabloid coverage. Fine, you somehow became a fashion icon at the age of one. Congratulations! Your entire kindergarten class probably secretly hates you for it. Keep building rollercoasters in Minecraft or whatever.

7. Mia Grace Tindall

Age: Five
Parents: Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall
Number of People Who Have to Die Before She Becomes Queen: 18

Mia is the daughter of Zara Phillips and granddaughter of Princess Anne, making her one of Queen Elizabeth's great-grandchildren. Since the whole succession system is sexist and weighted to favor first-born kids, Mia is in 19th place for the throne, meaning she would have to go on an Arya Stark-level killing spree and lay waste to a good two dozen of her family members to take the crown. Unfortunately, she doesn't even get the honor of being the very bottom of the royal baby succession list—that dubious title goes to her younger sister, Lena. Sorry, Mia.

6. Isla Phillips

Age: Seven
Parents: Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly
Number of People Who Have to Die Before She Becomes Queen: 15

According to a random YouTube video that we will just blindly accept as fact, Isla Phillips is the "mischievous" one. Why? What's it even mean? Who knows! But it earns you the sixth slot on the list.

5. Prince Louis

Age: One
Parents: Prince William and Kate Middleton
Number of People Who Have to Die Before He Becomes King: Four

The third and youngest of Prince William's children, Louis is pretty high up in the line of succession, but still far enough down that he will likely never have a shot at actually being king. He's the Tyrion of the family, except hopefully without the crossbow. And Tyrion is the best Lannister.

4. Princess Charlotte

Age: Four
Parents: Prince William and Kate Middleton
Number of People Who Have to Die Before She Becomes Queen: Three

Is Princess Charlotte the Goldilocks of Prince William's kids? She's not the first-born son, so not plagued by the self-righteousness that usually comes along with being the chosen one, and she's not the third one, like Louis, who will likely always have to fight to prove that he's not the baby of the family. Charlotte would probably make a decent queen, if she ever gets the chance.

3. Lena Elizabeth Tindall

Age: Ten months
Parents: Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall
Number of People Who Have to Die Before She Becomes Queen: 19

Like her sister, Mia, the ten-month-old Lena will likely never even come close to becoming queen. She's the absolute last on her generation's royal succession list—20th place. But maybe that's not so bad, really. Maybe Lena is far enough removed from the fame and unearned devotion of the other royal family members that she could actually lead a somewhat normal life. Maybe she's destined for normalcy. Maybe 20th place isn't so bad.

2. Savannah Phillips

Age: Eight
Parents: Peter Phillips and Autumn Kelly
Number of People Who Have to Die Before She Becomes Queen: 14

For some reason, W Magazine has dubbed Savannah Phillips the "most underrated royal," to which we say: Oh, really? Look at how high she us up our list, everybody. Who's underrated now?

1. Untitled Royal Baby

Age: Basically Zero
Parents: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
Number of People Who Have to Die Before He Becomes King: Just Give Him the Throne Already

You are the newest royal child. You are pure. You are perfect. You will do no wrong. All other babies pale in comparison to you. You are a blinding beacon of hope in this, our rapidly-dying planet. We love you, nameless royal baby. The world loves you. To hell with the rules of succession, you shall be our king. May your tiny baby head swell to fill the crown, may your neck grow strong to hold its weight, may your rein be long and just. We bend our knees to thee.

This article originally appeared on VICE US.