Are you feeling sad and single? Spending your summer so far side-eyeing all the happy couples in the park as you sit in a corner alone nursing a 99 flake? Stop that. No matter how happy your friends in relationships may seem, almost every one has something they wish they could do but can't do because of their significant other.
I spoke to some people in committed happy relationships about what they dream of doing in a world in which they're untethered.
A RICH ART DEALER HUSBAND I CAN CHEAT ON
VICE: What do you fantasise about doing that you can't do because you're in a relationship?
Petra, 24: I spend a lot of time at private art fairs and meet a lot of rich old-time dealers. I totally fantasise about being their young wife – jetting off to fairs, spending their riches on my favourite art pieces, spending half the year on yachts in the Med. On top of that, I think about the affairs I'd have with the better, younger dealers behind my rich old husband's back.
Woah, that's high-level fantasy, like Inception but for affairs. Have you ever mentioned it to your partner?
Good god no. He gets upset when I talk about fancying celebrities.
Would you ever consider incorporating some type of roleplay based around your fantasy into your relationship?
Again, probably not. I've only just got my other half to spank me. But I think I like it like that; it's my little dirty secret. Who knows, maybe I will actually end up with one later in life.
WATCH: The South Korean Love Industry
THE WHITE GUYS OF TINDER
What would you do if you were single?
Jamie, 27: It's mostly out of a self-indulgent sense of curiosity, but I'd love to download Tinder to find out if white men are attracted to me. I can't risk people who know me seeing me on there – I did once consider cat-fishing myself, and if anyone came across my picture just pretending someone had stolen my pics and I knew nothing about it.
Have you ever dated a white guy?
I've only ever dated black guys. In secondary school most of the boys were white and they never liked me, only the two token black guys did. Now, whenever I'm in an environment with white men, it's generally with my white friends, so I'm always the last pickings in that group. I've never been moved to by a white man, and I don't know if that's because of how I look or if it's my personality – I just always wonder why not.
So you've never had a Tinder profile?
No! I've been in my current relationship for almost six years now, and dating apps didn't really exist when I was last single.
Have you ever told your boyfriend about the curiosity?
I've told him about my curiosity about Tinder, but not specifically about my desire to know if white men are attracted to me.
How come? Do you think it would upset him?
I don't think it would upset him; I think he would be encouraging, like, "Of course they would, who wouldn't" type of thing, which is cute, but doesn't really shed any actual light on anything. He would probably question me on why I even care, because I'm always ranting about male white privilege. But still, I do wonder: if a white man saw my picture, would he swipe right? I think maybe Tinder could be the place that I could find out, but then again it has a reputation for being perfect for booty calls, and I feel like white men have a guilty pleasure to want to sleep with black women. Maybe I'll never know.
I JUST WANT TO STICK IT IN THE SOCKET
What would you do if you were single that you cannot do now?
Ahmed, 31: I'd love to sit here and play video games. Since I got married my Playstation has been turned on, like, once. Before that I used to play after work, on weekends. I know it's selfish and ungrateful and childish, but I miss the comfort of being able to do it whenever I want and not having somebody else to worry about.
How long have you been married?
Two years. It's great, of course: now we watch stuff together or hang out, but still. I miss the video games.
Do you look forward to your wife going away so you can play video games like a huge man baby?
Mega. When she's not here I sit in the same spot gaming until she's back, surrounded by cashews and pistachios. It's sad, isn't it.
What does your wife think of your gaming? Does she not allow you to play, or do you just not play out of a sense of duty in order to be a good husband?
She's not against it; she's just not interested. If I start gaming she'll just leave the room or go upstairs, and then I'm like 'hmm, I'll stop and put on a film,' and that's what it's been for the last two years.
Have you ever tried to get her into it? Couples gaming?
Yep, but all my games are horror titles and she scares easy.
ONE LAST HURRAH
Again, not a couple IRL. Photo: Bruno Bayley
VICE: What's your secret fantasy?
Jonny, 24: I think this might make me a terrible person, but I still really fancy my ex. I don't want to get back together, but I'd really like to fuck her again**.**
One last hurrah?
Probably not just once. We were really incompatible as a couple, but the sex was mind-blowing. I find myself thinking about it more often than I'd like to admit. Nothing else has ever really compared sex-wise.
How feasible is it that you'll ever sleep together again?
I'd like to think it won't happen while I'm still in my current relationship. We've stayed friends, but I try to keep any contact to an absolute minimum since I got a new girlfriend, to avoid temptation.
VICE: What do you miss about being single?
Charlie, 29: I'm in a happy relationship, but I always get itchy feet when summer comes along or I go abroad. There's something about being on holiday that brings out my promiscuous side – probably the lack of having to deal with consequences.
I'm guessing you've had a lot of overseas flings.
Well, I was single for a very long time and also did a lot of travelling with work. If you've got a hotel room and never have to see someone again, why not? It's a good way to spend the downtime on a work trip.
What exactly do you miss about it?
The sense of adventure, mostly – like, the promise of adventure? Who will I meet? What will happen? Will the sex be good? That unknown factor. When you're in a relationship things are just a lot more stable and predictable, obviously. Sometimes I miss that feeling of not knowing what's next. There's also a certain level of anonymity to hooking up abroad: if you're only going to see this person for one night, you can be whoever you want to be. They'll never know any different.