"Yo, hey, sorry I haven't seen you in six days, I ended up at a thing on Saturday and that turned into another thing, and then I did a load of MD and then it turned into another thing, and long story short I met this girl and we went to fucking Stockport for a bit because she lives there and— have you ever been to Stockport? It's bad, but, like, not-ironically? – and when I got back some mates were over at Crate, so I went there and that turned into Kind Of A Big One, and we ended up getting barred from that off-license by ours for exploding a bottle of cider in the crisp aisle, and anyway we came here and drank those secret cans you thought you'd hidden behind the cereal but not well enough, and anyway I got our rooms confused because the doors are next to each other, and long story short that's why I'm in your bed.
"There's a really slick wet patch where I've just absolutely fucking sweated into your mattress that won't come out for a few days. I managed to drop three lit cigarettes in this duvet somewhere in here for you to find. At some point in the next eight weeks I'll impulsively move to Berlin and you'll all have to pay the fees it cost for me to break my contract. I'll! End! Up! Trying! Heroin! In! Your! Bath! Room!"