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Bootymath's Guide to Better Living

Bootymath's Guide to Better Living: How to Watch Porn

Want to watch people make gang signs with their meat bits on camera like a pro? Let Bootymath guide you.

by Bootymath
26 May 2016, 9:00am


Images by Bootymath

If you’re anything like me, you came out of the womb with a samurai outfit and half a pack of Camel Crushes that ain’t even yours but you’re gonna smoke them shits. That has nothing to do with this here article in particular, but it is worth noting. Also if you're anything like me, you appreciate watching people make gang signs with their meat bits on camera.

I love porn. I watch it while I draw, write, run, and steal shit from Target. One time I got caught watching deepthroat videos on my nephew’s Leapfrog tablet that I modded when my own laptop crashed from watching deepthroat videos. I like to imagine the actors are letting me watch them have sex because I didn’t blow it on the aux cord during the drive to their house from a bar called “My Sister’s Boat” or some shit.

For every friend I’ve lost due to my strong belief that porn is a social lubricant, I've found countless video links to supplant the time I would have spent learning about those friends and sharing experiences. If you put me on a desert island with any two random items, I would make them look like they were fucking. In my dreams I am a metallic digital angel shimmering and skipping through infinite fields of sexual light and sounds. In other words, I am a fuck guru you can trust. Now, I've gathered some high level power ups that you can apply to your porn experience. Crack your knuckles/dick/vagina and get like me:

Get as close as humanly possible to the screen, then slowly back away until you’re too far to see or hear anything.

The trick to this is then running as fast as you can back toward the screen as you orgasm. This closely simulates conception and will open your mind vent to the cosmic A/C, momentarily inducing God-ness.

Point a gun at the porn and tell the actors what to do.

Maybe even put on a ski mask or a silly church hat. You will feel powerful.

Mute your porn and listen to Plantasia by Mort Garson

In 1976, Mort Garson made an experimental psychedelic album for plants and plant lovers. In 2016, Bootymath told you to masturbate to it. You’re welcome, everyone.

Freestyle about what you see in excruciating detail

My default is the Migos flow when I do this, but feel free to experiment. Make sure you have exceptional breathing control if you decide to be dangerous by masturbating at the same time.

Call the police whenever the dick slips out

This is a serious offense punishable by death. You should not fucking tolerate that bullshit. Dicks in or get out, I always say. I realize this slogan can be confusing, but what to do in this situation should not be.

Imagine 21 Savage is on the way to your house to air it out and this is your last nut ever

I have nothing to say about this. I scared myself while typing. Like, I actually screamed like a girl.

Project your favorite porn on your least favorite person’s house

One time I did this to J. Cole’s childhood home.

Every time someone says a cuss word, stop masturbating and Nolia clap briefly

I am a failure and often imagine blowing up like fireworks:

Pretend that you are David Letterman and the show has gone totally left field

Really, though: Study this man’s every move. Get a mug and a mic, and go “and the uhhh—and uhhh” while you watch people smash.

When you reach your climax, do a somersault

In my circle this move is called a Dirty Sonic. It has resulted in numerous untimely deaths and almost all of the milestones in science throughout the 20th Century.

Bootymath is the internet's last remaining guru. Follow him on Twitter.