Getting to Know People Over a Board Game is Better Than Boozing in Bars

Above: '7 Wonders' photograph courtesy of the author

It used to be that our films told us computers would destroy human society; but today, social networks and dating apps have turned us into broody Terminators. But while we might move around like drones, staring into their cracked screens, our phones don't isolate us. Rather, they're reaching out to us, and everywhere else, with invisible tendrils, all the time. They're so friendly they'll steal our contacts, introduce our bosses to our school bullies, show us someone's newborn baby then disappear to sell the marketing data.

But all this leaves the awkward humans still stuck wondering what to say to each other in person. Downloading a new app to help make friends is like getting a new, cybernetic toilet door to help deal with constipation: We didn't actually need any extra help getting there, it's all the crap that comes afterwards (or doesn't) that represents a problem. Because all these apps do is introduce us—and if we only wanted to sit awkwardly with strangers, we'd just ride around on public transport all day. The hard part of any new social situation is actually getting to know each other, and despite all our technology that's a process that's still stuck in the Stone Age: grunt, eat together, and see if you'll have sex.

And what's the designated fallback option for anyone looking to get that creaking wheel of intimacy rolling? The bar. Can't beat the bar. Classic social scene, the bar. Back when getting drunk was automatically better than anything else, because anything else was "work" or "being someone who wasn't comfortable in a small space with a load of drunks determined to have fun as fast as they can". Do they drink? Can they drink? Do they have work early tomorrow? Do they actually want to reduce their inhibitions and consume unguarded fluids with people they don't know yet?

Which is why board game cafés and bars are so much better than pubs and clubs without them. Board games are basically "how to get to know new people" in a box. They're an excuse to get together, with the bonus of having clear instructions for what to do next. Whether you're building a power grid, colonizing an alien world or betraying King Arthur and each other, what you're really doing is erecting a cardboard trellis along which conversation can grow. Pointless debates about gold coins and piss-takes about invading the Shire are perfectly pointless interactions that help genuine connections to grow. Board games are the most effective non-pharmaceutical conversational accelerators ever invented.

Sitting down to play a board game means that a clear line of interaction is established, with little need for awkward small talk. And this is way better than the usual implicit game of "conversational subject minefield", that chicken and egg situation where you want to find out what they like, so you have to first guess what they like, without admitting anything you like which might be seen as weird, sexual, or otherwise interesting. And everyone wonders why we so boringly talk about work and the weather upon meeting new people.

Board games are also the most accessible communal activity since breathing. Next to nobody is allergic to cardboard, certainly fewer people globally than alcohol. Nobody suffers religious restrictions against moving wooden counters. (At least, I don't think they do.) And if you want to partake of a boozy drink while moving your pieces around, in my experience that doesn't automatically put pressure on anyone else to join in with you—the same can't be said for pub-crawling your way to better relations.

These boxes are also personality tricorders: nerdy ways to find out what people are really like. Even asking someone to play with you tells you something important. Do they enjoy trying new things? Or do they ridicule them, based on preconceived notions of things they haven't tried? That's the best thing to find out first, before wasting any more time.

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The next stage is an effective intelligence test. Not IQ-counting MENSAbation, the anti-friendly intellijousting of someone actively trying to show how smart they are. Just a basic assessment to see if someone will cripple the night's play for half an hour if they ever need to make a decision. Do their blue eyes turn into blue screens when asked a question? Would it be faster to get a job in this café than waiting for them to accurately split the bill?

Finally, and most importantly: are they an utter arsehole? You need to know this. But you can't just ask. Arseholes lie! A friendly board game is litmus test for those human colons that get angry when they lose, berate others for making non-optimum choices, or otherwise prioritize an utterly pointless points-based victory over social interaction.

Everyone should be made to play board games. Couples should have to play Space Alert before they're allowed to buy an engagement ring. You can just imagine the priest asking, "Any reason why they should not wed?" and the husband screaming, "WHY DIDN'T YOU FIRE THE LASER AT THAT ASTEROID, SHARON?"

And if anyone says, "I'm just really competitive," simply thank them for their time, and for saving yours.

Board games are also far better tuned than bars or apps for a target market of young single city dwellers. Unpaid overtime, long and grueling commutes and debt more crushing than being caught under a pile of stolen gold bars rule out any activities that are particularly expensive in terms of either money or time. But an hour around a table can be slotted into any gap a group finds. It's a Thing To Do, more motivating than asking (the easily trumped by tiredness) question of, "Do you wanna come around some time?"

And for that hour they can enjoy the most glorious fantasy. Not the fantasy of being a space pilot, frontier settler, or someone who's really into making roads connect around little wooden tokens. Fun as all those are. Board games bring the fantasy of a world that works. A world with clear objectives, where everyone starts with the same chance, plays by the same rules, and where making the right decisions really is enough to win. These days that's not just fun, it's an outright utopian heaven.

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