Have a Shitty Weekend!

(Photo by Jake Lewis)

I’ve recently started going to the gym. "Why?" I hear you ask. "Why try to improve your health – something that, in essence, is aimed at marginally extending your life expectancy? You hate life, Joe, why do you want to prolong it?" The answer is simple: I want to be there when you all die of liver failure. I want to be sat at your bedside, grinning, when the ketamine eventually dissolves your kidneys, when the Charlie gives you a coronary, when the booze gives you jaundice.

Until then – until the point where I'm flexing, sipping wheatgrass shakes and watching the life exit your eyes – I'm here to give you all some advice. Here are three events to avoid if you don't want to have a shitty weekend.

WOOD FESTIVAL
Braziers Park, Ipsden, Fri 16 May - Sun 18 May

Used to be that wood was the coat of arms of men. Lumberjacks, joiners, carpenters; real shit for real bros. Nowadays, wood is just a mug’s game, something exemplified by Wood Festival in Braziers Park. Its apparent aim is to be the "most environmentally friendly festival of the season, using nothing but renewable sources". Wow, that sounds like a fucking riot.

I bet you’re wondering how many filthy, dreadlocked pricks this thing’s gonna be full of – but fear not, readers, as there’s a "shower heated by a wood burner", which obviously sounds like a very effective method of cleaning yourself. Also on offer is a "bicycle-powered disco". Why are these cunts always trying to power things with bicycles? Remember the other week we had a cinema powered by bicycles? Bicycles are for Europeans, couriers, children and suicidals – they have no place in the festival environment.

This place also boasts: "Yoga, singing [and] woodcraft." Is this a festival or a Tory backbencher’s idea of a hippie cult where everyone tops themselves with arsenic smoothies? I’m not risking it.

The Natural History Museum (Photo via)

DINO SNORES FOR GROWNUPS
Natural History Museum, London, Fri 16 May 

The only time adults should be indulging in "sleepovers" is if there’s sex involved, or if there’s no way of getting home and you're forced to give yourself early onset arthritis by sleeping on a friend’s sofa. The disgusting infantilisation of our crumbling society continues this weekend with Dino Snores for Grownups, an overnight visit to the Natural History Museum. The first line of this listing is "normally reserved for children", and like everything that’s normally reserved for children, it should stay normally reserved for children.

The listing provides little else by way of description – only that there will be "a meal, comedy and live music", which just sounds like every bullshit fete ever held on this island. Listen to me: if you’re over 20 and still think it’s acceptable to sleep in a sleeping bag when you have the option of sleeping in a bed, you’re a fucking arsehole.

You’ll also no doubt want to bang your other half under the "shadow of the Diplodocus skeleton". But how are you planning to do that while there are 30 other pricks giving bag-handies and finger-bangs just metres away from you? You don’t even know these people and you’re gonna try to get funky near them? Disgusting.

COELIAC AWARENESS DINNER AT SALVO'S
Salvo's, Leeds, Fri 16 May - Sunday 18 May

Shouts to my coeliacs for having the lamest eating ailment in existence. Allergic to nuts? Sure, OK, it happens – quite often, actually. Shellfish? Wouldn’t trust it as far as I could chuck it, mate.

But gluten? Fucking gluten? Where are your corrective shoes? Where’s the bandage over your left eye glass? Where’s your asthma pump? Coeliacs are nature’s nerds. If you’re a coeliac, you best believe that the Lord God wants you to live out your days collecting plushy anime toys and programming StarCraft expansion packs. So it's good that, this weekend, you can at least find some solace at Salvo’s, an Italian restaurant in Leeds. Salvo’s has done a good thing – a charitable thing – and is serving a six-course wheat-free meal for all of you to enjoy while you’re not using your HTC to send Valve complaint emails about the lag on Half-Life 3.

I’ve had bowel troubles for a few years, coeliacs, and let me tell you something: nothing is better than a large Dominos with a chicken side and a can of Stella. You only live once, you fucking neeks; go and trash your insides.

@joebish